First published in the USA by HarperCollins Publishers in 2018
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Childrenâs Books in 2018
Published in this ebook edition in 2018
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Text copyright © Kimberly McCreight 2018
Typography by Sarah Nichole Kaufman
Cover images © Rubberball / Mike Kemp / Getty Images (burnt matchstick type); Shutterstock.com (all other images); Cover design © HarperCollinsPublishers 2018
Kimberly McCreight asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
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Source ISBN: 9780008115104
Ebook Edition © July 2018 ISBN: 9780008115111
Version: 2018-06-19
For all of us,
May we rage on against the dying of the light.
#resist
To the wrongs that need resistance,
To the right that needs assistance,
To the future in the distance,
Give yourselves.
âCarrie Chapman Catt (1859â1947),
President, National American Woman Suffrage Association
This is a work of fiction. The things that you read here did not happen. At least, not yet.
Dear Rachel,
Donât think that Iâm not grateful for all youâve done. Itâs probably not possible to be more grateful to another human being. You saved my life. And, up until now, youâve been right about me staying hidden. Youâve been right about everything.
I know you think going to see Wylie at the detention center is a bad idea. When we talked, you did an outstanding job explaining all the really logical, completely rational reasons why it would be dangerous. For her, and for me.
⢠Itâs a prison filled with cameras: no more playing dead.
⢠Ben is already missing. Do I really want to leave my kids orphans?
⢠I could be putting Wylie even more in harmâs way. They could try to use me against her.
See, I was listening, Rachel. And I do trust you.
But Iâve got to trust my own instincts, too. And for all the risk there is in showing up at that detention center, thereâs more in staying away. Maybe not a risk of physical harm to me or Wylie. But there are other kinds of pain, Rach. Thereâs other damage that matters.
I was the one person Wylie always counted on. And I lied in the worst possible way. How am I ever going to get her to trust me again? Iâm terrified that I may have already lost her forever. So scared that sometimes I think my heart might stop. If I donât start clawing my way back to her right now, I donât think sheâll ever forgive me.
And Iâve already made a difference out here. Those people you suggested I contact, that senator, that friend of yours at the ACLUâtheyâve had such good ideas about what this fight is going to entail. We have to be prepared, thereâs no doubt about that.
But right now, I need to be Wylieâs mom first. That matters most of all. And she needs to know for sure that Iâm alive. For that, sheâll need to see me with her own eyes. After what sheâs been through, itâs the only option. I canât hurt her for one second more. I wonât.
Okay, rant complete. I just wanted to state my case, for the record. And just so weâre 100% clear: going to see Wylie is something Iâm going to do, with or without your help. Whatever happens, though, know how grateful I am. Iâm so glad to have you back, too. I missed you more than you know.
Xx
Hope
I STAND IN FRONT OF THE GRAY DETENTION FACILITY DOOR, WAITING FOR IT TO buzz open. In my hand is a plastic grocery bag stuffed with the mildewed Cape Cod T-shirt and shorts I was wearing when I was arrested.
For the past two weeks, Iâve been in the standard-issue pajama-like shirt and pants twenty-four hours a day. So stiff, itâs like they were designed so youâd never sleep again. My current outfit is the total opposite. Expensive pair of denim shorts, threadbare in just the right places, and an absurdly soft plain gray T-shirt. Without me having to ask, Rachel brought the clothes in for me to wear home. And Iâm grateful for that. Iâve felt grateful to Rachel for a lot of things.