âIâve always loved babies.â Shelly Dolanâs voice shook. Next to her on the overstuffed sage-green sofa, her husband, Doug, reached out to put his arm around her shoulders. âI loved playing with them, holding them, making them laugh. They were just a delight. But now, every time I see a stroller, every time I see a pregnant woman, it feels like somethingâs breaking inside of me.â Her breath began to hitch âAll I can do is cry. And Dougââ
Jillian Logan, social worker at the Childrenâs Connection fertility and adoption clinic, stirred in her deep, soft chair. âWhat about Doug?â she asked.
âHis shop is right down the street from a preschool. And his carâs been on the fritz this week so Iâve been having to take him to work. And to drive by every day and seeâAnd seeâAnd seeââ Her voice caught and she buried her face in Dougâs shoulder for a moment.
It squeezed Jillianâs heart. âIt must be hard,â she said softly.
âI never guessed,â Shelly whispered. âAnd Dougâs always so strong, I worry that heâs holding it all in.â
âWhatâs it like for you, going through this?â Jillian asked Doug.
Next to his neat, dark wife, he looked burly and ill at ease. Heâd come straight from work and still wore his stained welderâs clothing. And he was there, clearly, only because of Shelly.
âHell, Doc, how do you think your husbandââ he glanced at her ringless fingers ââor boyfriend or whoever would feel? How would you feel?â he challenged.
âWeâre not here to talk about me, Doug.â Jillianâs voice was gentle.
Over the seven months since the Dolans had been coming to the Childrenâs Connection in hopes of having a child, Jillian had watched their expressions morph from irrepressible hope to disappointment to a kind of grim determination. Now a faint air of strain hung about them. But they were still together, still getting one another through.
âYou want to know how I feel?â Doug asked now. âWorried. About Shelly, I mean. I donât think we need to waste our time here talking about me.â
âYouâre going through it, too. Youâre both involved.â
His jaw tightened. âIâm okay.â
âYou spent the entire week going on about Royâs son,â Shelly reminded him.
âWhat about Royâs son?â Jillian asked.
Doug made a noise of frustration. âMy bossâs kid. The little punk knocked up his girlfriend. Sixteen. Too stupid to wear a condom, the idiot.â
âWhy does it make you so angry?â
âTheyâre too young to have a kid. Hell, theyâre kids themselves. Either they keep it and really mess up their lives or she gives it up, or she gets rid of it. Idiot. All because he couldnât keep it in his pants. And itâs such a freaking crock,â he said with sudden savagery.
âWhat is?â
âHeâs sixteen and he can get his girlfriend pregnant. Iâm thirty-five and we want a kid so much and I damned well canât give my wife a baby.â Doug leaned forward and put his head in his hands.
Jillian waited in the humming silence. This was the moment sheâd been working toward for months, a chance to finally get Doug to open up. And yes, the session was supposed to be ending but there was no way she was going to punch the clock on this one. âItâs okay to feel angry or guilty or out of control, Doug. The feelings are real. Youâre allowed.â
He was silent for another moment, then he let out a breath. âIâm fine,â he said quietly, straightening. âWeâll get through it.â He glanced at his watch. âAnyway, our timeâs up, isnât it, Doc?â
âI donât know, is it?â
He nodded slowly, his eyes on her. âYeah. I think so.â
Reluctantly, Jillian rose to move to her desk. âThink about what weâve talked about here today. Youâre getting close to something, Doug, and I donât think we should just let it go. Letâs talk about it more next week.â
âYeah, sure, whatever.â He shepherded Shelly hastily out of the office.
And Jillian watched them go out together.
Together. That was the key. However difficult the emotional challenges, the two of them were still a team. They walked down the hall, Dougâs arm around Shellyâs shoulders. How would it feel to have that comfort? Jillian wondered, that sense that whatever you faced, you did it as a part of a whole?
How do you think your husband or boyfriend or whoever would feel?