And God Created the Au Pair
Picture the perfect family…Now forget it & read this.An achingly funny novel on modern motherhood and married life, as told through the e-mail correspondence of two sisters.When your family snapshots resemble NSPCC ads and it takes a quick-witted au pair to prevent your guests from burning alive, you have well and truly arrived in motherhood…Charlotte and Nell are sisters who live thousands of miles apart, each coping, or rather not coping, with the incalculable demands of motherhood. The daily battle to avert domestic disaster and keep up with the Dickenson-Jones's is abated only by their hilariously candid e-mail exchange.They address some crucial questions, such as: if your son hasn't noticed that you've given Benny the hamster away, it is safe to assume he's forgotten? What is the unassailable law of nature that guarantees a cool, elegant paint, chosen with a loving homemaker's care, will dry to the colour of greying ham? And will a glass of chardonnay make it all better?Charlotte and Nell are separated by continents but united in tales of over-busy lives and family mishaps – how to cope with children demanding their attention 24/7, husbands who are oblivious to the madness their world has become, as well as coming to terms with the fact that they are no longer the youthful free spirits they once were.And God Created the Au Pair is perhaps what Bridget Jones might write if she got married, had children and began to wonder whether being single had its advantages after all…
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BÉNÉDICTE NEWLAND AND PASCALE SMETS
And God Created the Au Pair
For Mum and Pa
CONTENTS
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Do not, repeat do not confuse dishwashing liquid with dishwasher liquid. Dishwashing liquid is in fact washing-up liquid in N America and when used in the dishwasher creates a giant foam monster that pours through what one naively assumes are the watertight seals on the edges of the dishwasher door. First tried to scoop the pouring tide of foam into kitchen sink but that immediately filled up with foam that would not die so then had to fill buckets with foam and run and throw them out on the deck. When Michael finally responded to my shrieks for assistance and wandered downstairs he (most unusually) had the good idea that we should sprinkle the small sachet of dishwasher powder that came free with the machine over the foam. Surprisingly it did in fact kill the beast. But everything very wet and foamy afterwards and him very smug.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Re: the beast
Didn’t the size of the bottle alert you? Any sign of missing saucepans yet?
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Bottle was huge. V easy mistake to make. Saucepans still mysteriously absent. Have unearthed one box of stuff so am now able to grate things or whisk things.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Have some ghastly problem with our drains at the moment, v stinky & wet at the bottom of the garden. Albert who is here to paint the kitchen full of gloomy predictions, have to say feel a bit gloomy myself but am resolutely trying to hide it as it only encourages him.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Sure it’s nothing too serious. You know Albert would rather eat his own head than miss an opportunity to revel in a bit of doom and gloom. Have finally tracked down saucepans (in the basement under approx 1000 boxes of toys).
Went downtown today to buy lots of ugly expensive school uniform, for ugly, expensive (though apparently excellent) new school. Remarkably, Ollie though only doing mornings has to wear uniform on Fridays complete with blazer (absurd as he is not yet 3 and a midget to boot), so have had to go to all that expense so he can look like a small square waiter one morning a week. Felt really nervous about driving my big new car on big roads at first, but have discovered that a big road is in fact a good thing and you never need to mount the pavement to ease past an oncoming car like in London.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Don’t know about that, find big roads really scary & am used to sweatily squeezing past other big cars in tiny roads though must admit despite much practice am still apt to misjudge spaces. My car is looking quite well used, though cheeringly not as bad as Amanda next door’s. Not entirely her fault as I did reverse hard into her car twice while parking last week (Dan watching – made me nervous).
Fran is preparing for yet another driving test. Talks about it endlessly. Told her I’ll reverse over her if she says ‘I’m definitely going to crack it this time’ once more.
Saw Helena in Tesco today, she trapped me by the bananas, her face a mask of tenderness as she enquired how I was coping now you’ve gone. Said I was just about bearing up (meant it as a joke but then noticed her eyes had alarmingly filled with tears), she did lots of nodding then said what a lovely neighbour you’d been and she’d always remember your unique approach to life. Said it like you’d died instead of just moved abroad. She paused a lot before she said ‘unique approach’ which made me suspect it was more a reference to the untidiness of your house than the uniqueness of your approach.
From: Charlotte Bailey
To: Nell Fenton
Hurrah. Have just spent £400 having video made of my drains in order to ‘pinpoint problem area’. Unsurprisingly ‘problem area’ turns out to be where stinky wet patch is (drain cracked, lawn will have to be dug up). How to file video? alphabetically between Christmas & Easter? or between Dan’s buttocks as sort of aide-memoire not to waste our money in the future (he insisted we have it done)? How are the children? When do they start school? Mine back this Thurs, Ellie v excited about going into year 1 and feel irrationally optimistic about Maddie starting in nursery.
From: Nell Fenton
To: Charlotte Bailey
Should definitely make Dan sit and watch the drain video (keeping the empty case between his buttocks while he watches). School started yesterday and they were all v cheerful when they came out which was a huge relief. School drop-off and pickup, the ultimate N American experience. No standing round in the playground chatting to other mothers. Everyone queues up in their huge cars and when you get to the school there’s a ‘drive-thru’ and you hand your children out to a teacher, and at pickup lots of teachers striding around with walkie-talkies and when you reach the school there are your children waiting for you. They aren’t quite handed out through a little window, but almost.
