Articles of Faith

Cover Page

Title Page

Introduction

1 This year I’ll ride the snake like a soccer shaman

2 A pitch-perfect ending to a sadly familiar song

3 A pledge is not enough to make England shine

4 Dark lore of Dyer and the Hammers’ hex

5 Never mind Israel, I’ve been beaten by Bohemia

6 Repent, for the kingdom of Steve is at hand

7 Chelsea too small for these two randy stags

8 His Grace Arsène, the shaman of our football

9 Whatever next? Joe Cole on stilts?

Interview between Russell Brand and David Baddiel

10 My cathode carnival with Sir Alex turning green

11 Who’s to blame for my impotent rage?

12 First rule for life in the lounge: no swearing

13 East will always be east for lovers of freedom

14 My view from afar of Fergie’s flirtatious feuding

15 I need a new way to feed my England habit

16 This crimson blot will take three years to fade

17 José makes my day…in another dimension

18 Barwick must atone for the sins of his fathers

19 Capello’s trunks more titillating than his titles

Interview between Russell Brand and James Corden

20 Inner sanctums reveal soul of Hammers family

21 Watching Arsenal, thinking of Sting and Trudie

22 Don’t let Harry head north for shooting practice

23 If Keegan’s a messiah I want the Cockney Moses

24 Is Morrissey talking the language of West Ham?

25 Well done stern Fabio for defying our emotions

26 Let’s revolt against Lucre-more’s ludicracy

27 Potassium-rich fruit has no place in football

Interview between Russell Brand and Noel Gallagher

28 A lament for Gazza, whose gift became his curse

29 Congratulations to Spurs for their lowly bauble

30 Is this the right fertiliser for Grays’ grassroots?

31 What’s the point in replaying a humiliation?

32 Hurrah for super, special, Sunday soccer-day

33 Capello’s words minced by sinister Nosferatu

34 My adventures with Beckham in wonderland

35 No replacing the man with a wiggle in his walk

36 From Bridge to Boleyn with Littlejohn on a limo-bike

37 Girls may turn my head but my heart is lost

38 Enthralled by a giddy mist of climactic hysteria

39 United to win – the Gods’ll never work this one out

40 One little slip and happiness goes out the window

Also by Russell Brand

Copyright

About the Publisher

I am writing this intro so that you feel validated in purchasing this compilation of columns. If I don’t write it you might feel aggrieved that you’ve coughed up money (yuk! Who’d do that? You could only cough it up if you’d eaten it. I hate those people that eat coins and light bulbs and clock parts. Why don’t they get a proper job? Like me for instance, I write a lovely column – and intros to column compilations – you won’t catch me scoffing down change and chewing cogs then thrusting my coppery palm into your face for remuneration: ‘If you wanted money you should of kept those pennies instead of gargling them down your whorish trachea’ one might respond. I’m also against ‘beards of bees’ and, in fact, all records. I don’t know how Guinness have snided their way into the world of records – it’s none of their business, stick to booze, what’s next – the Benson and Hedges encyclopaedia of maritime mysteries? The Skull Bandits almanac of porn? The Olympics can fuck off an’ all – it’s just the Paralympics for people who haven’t suffered, it doesn’t make sense. Running, jumping, swimming, triple jump, high jump. Don’t they know there’s a war on? Do they know it’s Christmas? Timing things? Grow up. The only occasions on which my actions were timed were when my dad was tricking me into going to the newsagents. ‘Go on, I’ll time ya!’ he’d say. Though by the time I’d return the competitive element had dissolved, replaced by fag-snatching indifference. Where’s my medal? Where’s my tickertape parade? I wasn’t even allowed to keep the change. Luckily I nicked it anyway) only to read stuff you could’ve got for tuppence ha’penny with the Guardian, plus you’d’ve got all the ol’ news in that an’ all – not to mention those gorgeous tarts on page three and the weather. But with this book, you get all the articles – together at last, the cover picture, in which I am unadvisedly posing as Christ and interviews with famous football fans – providing I’ve had time to do them. What a bargain. I don’t know why I’m trying to sell you this book; you’ve obviously already bought it. Unless it’s a friend’s copy or you’re in a shop. If so, pop it in your jacket and walk out – I don’t care – I’ve already been paid plus I don’t really do it for the money, I do it for the honour and my love of the art of intro writing. I could sit and write intros all day.

It just occurred to me that you might be reading this in the distant future, having chanced upon this in a second-hand book shop from the future. Should that be the case, get back on your hover-pod and watch the final glacier dwindle into naught and lament that you never knew the glory that was the 07–08 football season.

It was an incredible season, beset with drama and fused with romance. I love the game itself, of course, but these articles focus chiefly on my reaction to the phenomena of football culture – Sir Alex Ferguson, who doth abide and will ne’er relent, like a face carved into the edifice of the national game as though it were Mount Rushmore; Kevin Keegan, who in the past brought Newcastle so close to success but now has the air of a Sunday league dad hollering ‘go on my son – they don’t like it up ‘em’ from the touchline; Avram Grant, poor unlovable Avram whose legacy is as murky and as difficult to judge as the dental blur that resides betwixt his lips; Ronaldo, a man allegedly labelled a slave by that flippant nit Sepp Blatter – a tag he did too little to shed (‘Yeah, I am like a slave – I remember that episode of