MAZE
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers 2016 as Reader, I Dumped Him …
This edition published by HarperCollins Publishers 2016
Copyright © Lorelei Mathias 2016
Cover design by Holly Macdonald © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2016
Cover illustrations © Shutterstock.com
Lorelei Mathias asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition © May 2016 ISBN: 9780008202330
Version: 2017-01-09
#1 – The first rule of Break-up Club is, you do not talk about Break-up Club.
#2 – The second rule of Break-up Club is, you do not talk about Break-up Club with your ex.
#3 – If this is your first night at Break-up Club, you will be expected to cry.
Uncontrollably.
#4 – Meetings take place once a week, every Sunday.
#5 – Each member must be prepared to perform Initiation (otherwise known as Brunch Duty). You shall deliver croissants and a smile to the residence of a new recruit on their First Weekend As A Singleton.
#6 – No Face-Stalking. Exes should be de-friended no later than 48 hours after a break-up. Phone numbers should be deleted or re-saved under the name ‘Don’t Answer’.
#7 – Members must be prepared to drop everything in the event of a Crisis Meeting. Common triggers range from a member relapsing with an ex, to an outbreak of F.I.H. (Facebook-Induced Hysteria).
#8 – Members must be willing to accept phone calls from co-members at any time of day or night, and talk them down from the bridge.
#9 – Hook-ups between co-members are strictly prohibited.
#10 – For their own protection, members must respect the N.G.Z. (No-Go Zones) imposed by a break-up. N.G.Z.s fall into three categories – Locational, Musical and Gifting. However, your ex does not have long-term sole custody of Bob Dylan or Streatham Hill, and a time will come when you’ll be able to assert the first major bastion of Break-up Club (BUC) law: The Reclaim.
#11 – Understand the two absolutes of break-ups:
i) Eventually, you will be OK. You will recover.
ii) You absolutely cannot imagine ever feeling OK again. Ever.
Signed: Bella, Olivia, Harry
249A Fortess Road, Tufnell Park, London.
*
‘Go on then,’ Bella said, holding an old-fashioned fountain pen up to Holly’s face.
Holly stared at the pen, watching it go in and out of focus, her eyes thick with tears. Everyone was staring. It was not unlike being back on the school playground. She was half expecting a football to come and thwack her round the head. She looked down at the epic list of rules and wondered how it had all come to this. What was next? Laminated membership cards? A ten per cent loyalty discount at Thornton’s?