Candy Everybody Wants
Armistead Maupin meets Beautiful People in Josh Kilmer-Purcell’s hilarious and yet poignant coming-of-age taleJayson Blocher is fifteen years old with a wayward mother, a disabled brother and a neighbour who thinks he’s the spawn of the devil.For so long he has worshipped at the feet of popular culture, but now he wants to be part of it, and let’s face it, what’s to keep him in Wisconsin? Even his own mother wants him to go.So Jayson heads off to find fame and fortune, accompanied by an ever-changing cast of quirky extended family members.From a New York escort agency to the glamour of a Hollywood situation comedy, Jayson searches for his destiny. Only to find that being America’s sweetheart can leave a very sour aftertaste.
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JOSH KILMER-PURCELL
Candy Everybody Wants
For my family.
I grant you this brief respite from memoir.
The media have created a new ‘electronic reality,’ suffused with images and symbols, which has obliterated any sense of an objective reality behind the symbols…In hyperreality it is no longer possible to distinguish the imaginary from the real.
—Kumar
Thanks. I already turned down the part you’re playing.
—Helen Lawson
Table of Contents
DALLASTY! OCONOMOWOC LANDING.
A JAYSON BLOCHER PRODUCTION DIRECTED BY JAYSON BLOCHER WRITTEN BY JAYSON BLOCHER CASTING BY JAYSON BLOCHER COSTUMES AND MAKEUP BY JAYSON BLOCHER
EPISODE III: CORNFIELDS ABLAZE!!!
SCENE 18
Open on PATRICIA EWING, and AMETHYST CARRINGTON
sunbathing on floating diving platform in skimpy string bikinis. Patricia Ewing looks totally sexy wearing a swirly Pucci suit, and Amethyst Carrington also looks hot in a Lily Pulitzer extravaganza. J. B. EWING paddles up in the convertible Ewing-Carrington pedal boat.
PATRICIA EWING: (sarcastic) Well hello there J.B., you jerkface. Welcome home from work.
AMETHYST CARRINGTON: He is not a Jerkface AT ALL, Patrica! He is the father of our child! Who will one day inherit control of all of the Ewing-Carrington farmland!
J.B.: (setting drink on dock and climbing out of pedal boat) For your information, ALL OF THE EWING-CARRINGTON CORNFIELDS HAVE BEEN SET ABLAZE!
AMETHYST CARRINGTON: NO! J.B.: YES!
AMETHYST CARRINGTON: NO! J.B.: YES THEY HAVE!
PATRICIA: I hope my husband Robbie is out there saving the day.
J.B.: Why would he be? Your loser husband, who is my loser brother, was the one that set them on fire!
PATRICIA: (standing up and poking her finger into J.B.’s tan chest) I have had quite enough of your LIES, J. B. Ewing!
J.B. Well then maybe you should take a break…IN THE LAKE! (J.B. pushes Tara PATRICIA off the dock into the lake.)
AMETHYST CARRINGTON: Sayonara, bitch!
J.B. WRAPS HIS STRONG ARMS AROUND AMETHYST
CARRINGTON AND PULLS HIM HER AGAINST HIS HAIRY CHEST.
J.B.: I have wanted to do this ever since we got our last divorce.
J.B. KISSES AMETHYST CARRINGTON.
* Scene *
‘Do we have to kissall the way?’ Trey asked Jayson, dangling his legs in the unseasonably cool lake while reading over Jayson’s script. The float diving dock bobbed lazily with each kick of Trey’s legs.
Jayson pulled at the top half of his mother’s Pucci knock-off bathing suit. Up until an hour ago it’d been a one-piece, but he’d had to cut it into two pieces in order to transform it into the ‘revealing string bikini’ called for in the script that he wrote earlier that afternoon.
His left water balloon tit had sprung a slow leak.
There was no time to waste on script revisions. They needed to begin shooting the scene now. The sun was going down and his boob was deflating at an alarming pace.
Jayson didn’t feel up to an extended debate with Trey on the mechanics of the scene. It had been a long shoot day, and he was getting tired. And mosquito-bitten. But he also didn’t want to risk pissing Trey off. With only himself and his neighbors–the twins Trey and Tara–playing all the roles, cast morale was of utmost importance.
Trey was always, historically, exceedingly patient with Jayson’s summer vacation ‘projects,’ but Dallasty!, was by far Jayson’s biggest and most complicated effort to date. A spinoff series that combined the families of the two most highly rated nighttime television dramas ever–Dallas and Dynasty. The networks loved spin-offs. And this was a spin-off squared. He and the twins had already filmed twelve of the thirteen episodes Jayson planned on sending ‘on spec’ to Lorimar Pictures c/o CBS Entertainment Networks. The scene they were about to film was the opening of the cliffhanger final episode of the season. If they could wrap up filming the entire episode this week, he could mail them all off to Lorimar, sign whatever contracts they came back with, and have Dallasty! on air as a mid-season replacement. If all went as planned, Jayson would begin his first year of high school as a celebrity–thus breaking the inexplicable curse of unpopularity he’d endured throughout middle school.
‘Let’s discuss this important scene,’ Jayson began calmly, putting his hand on Trey’s shoulder. The most important job of a director (according to what he’d read in a People Magazine profile of Steven Spielberg) was to keep the ‘talent’ relaxed and focused on their performance. ‘We’ve established that it’s a very dramatic moment with the cornfield a-blazing out at the ranch,’ Jayson explained gesturing across the water toward his fictional Ewing-Carrington Dairy Farm. ‘And all great TV shows mix romance with drama–
