How Not to Act Old: 185 Ways to Pass for Cool, Sound, Wicked, or at Least Not Totally Lame

How Not to Act Old: 185 Ways to Pass for Cool, Sound, Wicked, or at Least Not Totally Lame
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Still want to be cool but are afraid you no longer know how? Be not afraid – old is the new young!You dye your hair, you happily order the weekly shop online, you're planning a trip to South America and even know who won Big Brother this year. But last week you also told your kids that G4 are 'sick' and were promptly silenced by looks of utter scorn.Stay away from language that has no right to come out of lips that are more than 45 years old…make that 35…no, make that 14. No-one over the age of 16 uses 'sick' to describe anything, you don't 'hook-up' if you're not a teenager and you know you're over 40 if you have ever told another adult to carry an umbrella 'because the weather looks iffy'. If you think you're too old to act young or too past it to join Facebook, think again. This book is the essential guide to how not to act old - and how not to embarrass yourself whilst doing it!With 150 different 'ways' how not to act old, this book covers everything you need to know about being young and how to recognise your limits when trying out your new, younger, attitude to life. Covering many areas including slang speech, relationships, parenting, fashion and technology and written with wit, style and humour, this book is sure to be a source of both amusement and comfort to people of a certain age everywhere.Remember - old is just Young 2.0!

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Copyright

HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

Published in 2010 by Collins

First published in the USA by HarperCollins,

195 Broadway, New York in 2009

Text © Pamela Redmond Satran 2009

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Pamela Redmond Satran asserts her moral right to be identified as the author of this work

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks

HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication

Source ISBN: 9780007306138

Ebook Edition © APRIL 2017 ISBN: 9780007438204

Version: 2017-04-27

Dedication

For my father

Joe Redmond

for ever ageless

Contents

Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
#1Stop Using E-mail
How Not to E-mail Old: 10 Musts to Avoid
#2Don’t Say ‘Awesome’, ‘Dude’, or ‘Phat’
Guide to 11 Young–Old Slang Expressions
#3Unstrap that Rolex
#4Don’t Fear the Waxer
40-year-old Bikini-Waxing Virgin? 9 Things to Expect
#5Avoid Direct Confrontation
#6Don’t Leave a Message
#7Don’t Dance to ‘Sexual Healing’
How to Grind, in 6 Easy Steps
8 Best Old-people Songs to Dance to … and 7 Young Ones that May Actually Get You Going
#8–19How Not to Work Old
#20Beware the Accidental Hook-up
What Exactly Is a Hook-up? A Teenager Tells All … Well, Some
#21Don’t Smoke Pot
#22Don’t Fear the F-word
#23–29How Not to Weekend Old
#30Don’t Get Too Excited about Mondays
#31Avoid Avoiding Babies
I Would Love to Hold the Baby, but …
#32Don’t Be Proud of Being Befuddled by Technology
Web Directory 102: Sites You Should Know
#33Don’t Advise People to Carry an Umbrella
16 Things You Never Need to Say to Another Adult
#34Don’t Admit You’re Crazy about Springsteen
#35Don’t Be the Monica
#36–44How Not to Be a Cougar
#45Stop Talking about Menopause
#46No Lame Parenting Advice
19 Things Never to Say to a Young Parent
#47Don’t Fear the Tat
8 Tattoos for Old People
#48Don’t Make Love
#49Do Not Block the Aisle
#50Throw off the Middle-aged Burka
12 Things You Can’t Even Think about Wearing (for Women)
#51No Poodles
Pet Making You Look Old? 5 Swaps to Consider Now
#52Don’t Yell into Your Mobile Phone
8 Ways Not to Phone Old
#53Don’t Talk about Your (Grown-up) Children
5 Things to Talk about Instead of Your Kids
#54Don’t Fear Rap
Easy Listenin’ Rap: 9 Songs Even You Might Like
#55Don’t Drink Cosmopolitans
3 Young Cocktail Recipes
#56Learn to Type with Your Thumbs
#57Cancel the Trip to Provence
#58Edit the Anecdotes
#59Don’t Fear the Thong
#60Don’t Lust after Paul McCartney
8 Hot vs. Crusty Comparisons
#61No Chronic Health Discussions
#62Screw the Housework
MadLibs: A Young Person’s Guide to Housekeeping
#63Break that Saturday Night Sex Routine
#64Stop Surfing the Net
25 Web Expressions You Should Know Now
#65Have No Problem
#66Sponge off Your Parents
#67–73How Not to Party Old
#74Don’t Be Shocked by a Touch of Girl-on-girl
10 Other Things Not to Be Shocked By
#75No to the Negativity
Anti-negativity Spin Chart: 6 Upbeat Substitutes
#76Enough with the Man-bashing
5 Deathless Man-bashing Jokes
#77Don’t Fear the Silence
#78Don’t Live Somewhere Old
#79Don’t Say the Doctor, the Copper, or the Teacher ‘Looks Twelve’
#80Cancel the Dinner Party
#81–87How Not to Facebook Old
#88Crumble the Dried Flowers
#89Forget the Sixties Nostalgia
#90Don’t Wake Up Before Dawn
#91Enough with the Jane Austen Worship
15 Cool Dead Famous People
8 Uncool Dead Famous People
#92Don’t Fear the Remote
#93No History
#94Don’t Plan
#95Don’t Be Named Bob or Pat
Change Your Name/Change Your Age: 10 Updates for Your Old Fart Name
#96Torch Your Books
7 Ways to Read Younger
#97Get off the Eternal Diet
Young Person’s Diet and Exercise Plan: 13 Simple Steps to Never Gaining a Pound
#98Say Yay!
#99–124How Not to Holiday Old
#125Don’t Live in a Big House and Complain about Money
6 Ways to Renovate Your Money Complaints
#126C’mon, Tell Us All about Your Sex Life
#127Scratch that Golf Game
#128Never Admit You Have No Freaking Clue Who Leighton, Dappy, Rihanna, Little Boots, Tinchy, or Pixie Are
#129Turn Your Stereo Up and Your TV Down
#130Unless You’re in Nagasaki, Don’t Give (or Ask for) Directions
#131No Hovering
#132Don’t Cook the Roast
12 Steps to Making Dinner Young
#133Don’t Lust after the Lifeguard
10 Signs You Might Be a Lech
#134Dehyphenate Your Name
#135Don’t Fear the Teenager
#136Stop Bossing Everybody Around
#137Don’t Send Greetings Cards
#138No Matching Anything
#139–143U Can’t Has Convertible


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