How to Rob a Bank
A life of crime – how hard can it be? A funny, filmic and fast-paced crime-caper.When fifteen-year-old Dylan accidentally burns down the house of the girl he’s trying to impress, he feels that only a bold gesture can make it up to her. A gesture like robbing a bank to pay for her new home. Only an unwanted Saturday job, a tyrannical bank manager, and his unfinished history homework lie between Dylan and the heist of century. And really, what’s the worst that could happen?A funny, filmic and ill-advised crime caper.
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First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2019
Published in this ebook edition in 2019
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Text copyright © Tom Mitchell 2019
Cover design copyright © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2019
Cover illustration copyright © Euan Cook
Tom Mitchell asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of the work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
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Source ISBN: 9780008276508
Ebook Edition © March 2019 ISBN: 9780008276515
Version: 2019-01-03
To Jacob, Dylan and Nicky
Contents
Chapter 1: Identify Your Justification: Why Bother?
Chapter 2: Exercise Caution Around Naked Flames
Chapter 3: Remember: There’s No ‘I’ in ‘Team’ But There is in ‘Win’
Chapter 4: Does Robbing a Bank Suit Your Needs?
Chapter 5: There’s Such a Thing as Being Over-prepared
Chapter 6: Ensure Your Target Ticks All the Boxes
Chapter 7: Anything That Can Go Wrong, Will Go Wrong
Chapter 8: Be Prepared to Use Your Imagination
Chapter 9: ‘Ever Tried. Ever Failed. No Matter. Try Again. Fail Again. Fail Better.’ Samuel Beckett
Chapter 10: Use Technology to Your Advantage
Chapter 11: Do Your Best to Avoid Violence
Chapter 12: Get Your Hands Dirty
Chapter 13: Robbing a Bank is Like Riding a Horse
Chapter 15: Remain Focused, No Matter What
Chapter 16: Do Your Homework (Scout the Location)
Chapter 17: Short-term Pain for Long-term Gain
Chapter 18: Nothing is Free, Not Even Stolen Money
Chapter 19: A Good Thief is a Good Actor
Chapter 20: Take Care of the Present and the Future Will Look After Itself
Chapter 21: Remember: Everybody Makes Mistakes
Chapter 22: Breaking the Law Isn’t Fun
Chapter 23: Avoid Mixing Business with Pleasure
Chapter 24: Don’t Cry Over Spilt Milk
Chapter 25: Nobody Said Robbing a Bank was Easy
Chapter 26: It’s Better to Fail Before, Rather Than During, a Crime
Chapter 27: You Don’t Want to End Up Locked Away
Chapter 28: Never Be Too Proud to Ask for Help
Chapter 29: Expect to Fail and You Won’t Be Disappointed
Chapter 30: The Darkest Point of the Night Comes Before Sunrise (or something like that)
Chapter 31: Take Advantage of Unexpected Opportunities
Chapter 32: Flexibility Can Be as Important as Detailed Planning
Chapter 33: A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Step
Chapter 34: Don’t Let Your Ego Blind You to Your Plan’s Faults
Chapter 35: The Running Track of Life is Littered with Potholes
Chapter 36: Operation RHC (Retrieve History Coursework)
Chapter 37: Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail
Chapter 38: Don’t Forget the Importance of Good Timing
Chapter 39: Never Underestimate your own Potential for Stupidity
Chapter 40: Don’t Try to Rob a Bank on Your Own
Chapter 41: Robbing a Bank is a Matter of Holding Your Nerve
Chapter 42: Take Inspiration from Everywhere and Everything
Chapter 43: There’s Nothing More Important Than Your Getaway Plan
Ask yourself – do I need the money? Robbing a bank isn’t something to do to pass the time, like kicking footballs over the neighbour’s fence or reading. Some people rob banks because they’re greedy. Those people are usually caught after buying muscle cars or diamond-encrusted baseball caps. Others enjoy the adrenalin rush of thrusting sawn-off shotguns into the faces of middle-aged women. Those are typically twenty-somethings with troubled childhoods.
Me? I robbed a bank because of guilt. Specifically: guilt and a Nepalese scented candle.
Let me explain.
It was an endless summer and I was fifteen and fed up with playing Call of Duty and FIFA. There are only so many times you can get sniped in the chin or spanked five–nil before you start questioning the meaning of it all. Mum and Dad’s moaning meant I’d applied for part-time jobs. But even McDonald’s had turned me down. Dad said this was evidence of Broken Britain. Mum said I shouldn’t stop trying.
It was a Saturday afternoon, one of those boring summer Saturdays without Premier League football and with lasagne planned for dinner. Dad was on the sofa, Mum was on the wine, and Rita was on the phone. And all my friends, apart from Beth, were on exotic holidays with never-ending beaches and azure oceans.
