Laid in Chelsea: My Life Uncovered
The Sunday Times bestseller!Pour the champagne, light some candles, lay back and prepare to laugh, cry and gasp at the fully uncensored, Bridget-Jones-esque world of Ollie Locke, star of Made in Chelsea.Immaculately dressed, fake-tanned and unstoppably cheerful, Ollie Locke is the heart of Channel 4’s hit show Made in Chelsea. He’s done it all. And what he hasn’t done, he’s seen. (Not in a weird way, obvs.)In a nutshell, that means one hell of a rollercoaster ride of trouble, misadventures, sexual mishaps, epic cringes and embarrassing secrets that nobody was ever supposed to know. Until now.Because in Laid in Chelsea Ollie – famously unlucky in love – is letting it all hang out. So to speak.From developing his first crush, dire first encounters, terrible dates to true love – as well as offering his unique advice on how to stay sane in the crazy world of love – Ollie’s laying it bare. And, of course, he reveals what really goes on behind the bedroom doors of Made in Chelsea…Witty, surprising, touching, downright hilarious and always honest, Laid in Chelsea is an exclusive insight into the mind of the modern man, and a backstage pass to the secret world of Chelsea.#laidinchelsea
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This book is dedicated to each and every incredible girl and guy included in this book who has changed and shaped my life and made me the person I am today.
Also to the city of London, my ultimate inspiration and the setting that housed so many of these relationships.
Dedication
4. No Pubes and a Soggy Biscuit
6. Coner Boner and the Photo of Doom
9. The Sex Door into Cambridge
11. Inbetween a Heartbreak and the Cotswolds
13. Rachel Stevens and Mopping Up Vomit (Not Hers)
17. The Email that Changed Everything
21. Hattie, TOWIE and a Triathlon
My wonderful and beautiful family: Mum, Dad, Amelia and James, and the memory of a beautiful grandmother who, thank God, will never read this book. You are all my rock through everything, always.
Sarah Dillistone, and everyone involved in Made in Chelsea, for making everything possible and for changing my life.
My Cheska, Binky and Richard, and the rest of the cast, for sharing an unbelievable experience together.
My beautiful agents at Curtis Brown, Richard Gibb and Felicity Blunt, who save my life wherever I am in the world. Also, Jacquie, Jon, Gordon, Hannah, Becky and Fran for all being superstars.
My fabulous and beautiful editor Anna Valentine, who has the job of taking out all the REALLY naughty, unpublishable stories, and to everyone at HarperCollins who has made this book possible.
My best friends and one day best men at my wedding, Louis, Alex, Oscar and Richard, who have each made the last 26 years very amusing.
My wonderful Pink Palace urban family, Emily, Sam and George, for the wine, the parties, the shoulder. You are the three people I know will always be there.
Jordan, for everything, and for being my truly fabulous Bridget Jones.
Jason Holman, for driving me around the world and giving me all the relationship advice I need. You know everything before anyone else!
Jon and Matt at Insanity for all your help and support.
Luke, Ryan, Jamieson, Rollo and all my closest Chelsea friends who have shared the last seven years of truly wonderful memories after midnight.
It’s early October 2011. I’m sitting in my room surrounded by boxes of cigarettes and empty bottles of wine. It looks like a slum. My three flatmates are all out, and I have never felt so low in my entire life. I’m booked to do an appearance at a nightclub in Bristol tonight but I text saying I have been asked to film for Made in Chelsea so I can’t make it. I have quite honestly cried for 72 hours. Looking in the mirror I think I look like I have lost everything. In some ways I feel that I have. My mum is calling every half an hour and I have hardly eaten in four days. My phone rings from an unknown number and I ignore it.
Two minutes later it rings again … and again. On the fourth time I pick up silently and listen.
‘Your taxi is outside.’
I know I’m due on the T4 sofa in 45 minutes to give an interview about the next series of Made in Chelsea. I have no choice – I have to go.
I put on any clothes I find that seem clean and I get into a large Mercedes with tinted windows. I sit in the back of the car, expressionless, while we make our way across London to a shopping centre in Bayswater.
When I walk into the TV studios I’m shown to a dressing room, where I cry into a bowl of Haribos. But I don’t have time to dwell on my misery, as I’m quickly taken into another room, where I am covered in make-up to hide what I actually look like.
I then find myself standing on the edge of the set, waiting for my interview. I force myself to smile, knowing that I have to be on Ollie form for the next 20 minutes. I have to laugh and chat about how excited I am that filming for the next series is about to start. I have to be the Ollie from Made in Chelsea that everyone knows. But at that precise moment, I couldn’t have felt any further from that. Inside I was dying and so far away from being Laid in Chelsea.
I had just gone through one of the hardest break-ups of my life. Whether she thought that way about it I don’t know, but I felt as if I had lost everything.
Looking back at that moment now, I realise that no matter how bad it seems, no matter how bad the break-up, you can always bounce back. I’m now in a happy place – yes, I’m single and fairly sexless, but I believe in love, and I’d like to believe that the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with is out there somewhere. It’s only time that is holding back that moment when we will meet – probably when we’re both least expecting it.
Of course, I’ve asked myself if there’s such a thing as ‘happily ever after’. We’re supposed to believe it when we watch the great romantic Disney films, but who’s to say what happens after the camera stops rolling? Maybe after
