Letters of Not
A collection of remarkable and completely made-up correspondence from the great and the good across history.Many books have collated the exceptional letters and personal writing of the famous, offering a fascinating insight into well-known figures’ personal lives and hidden desires. But what of the undistinguished epistles of the renowned? Can their less auspicious musings divulge clues to their hopes and ambitions? Probably not. But they can be quite funny.‘Letters of Not’ assembles the fictional jotted dross that was never before considered worthy of collection. The Post-it notes, the shopping lists, the failed limericks and the birthday card sentiments of history’s most celebrated sons and daughters.Inside you will find:Werner Herzog’s impassioned note to his cleaning ladyPatti Smith’s gym applicationCaptain Scott’s other last letter to his wifeSalvador Dali’s to do listMark E. Smith’s audio tour of Ripon CathedralHarold Pinter greetings cardsPope Benedict’s handover notesJames Joyce’s out of officeDr Heimlich’s other manoeuvreA letter from the table next to the Algonquin Round TableTweets from the 1966 Newport Folk FestivalInstructions on what to do when you meet Van MorrisonAnd many more, beautifully rendered in their original, blatantly falsified glory and hilariously transcribed for your pleasure.
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The Friday Project
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
77–85 Fulham Palace Road
Hammersmith, London W6 8JB
First published by The Friday Project in 2014
Copyright © Dale Shaw
Text and image design by We Are Laura
Dale Shaw asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers.
Source ISBN: 9780007533107
Ebook Edition © 2014 ISBN: 9780007533084
Version: 2014-10-02
Contents
Dr Heimlich writes to a colleague
Werner Herzog’s note to his cleaning lady
Lance Armstrong writes to a fan
Pope Benedict XVI’s handover notes
William Burroughs rewrites the swimming pool rules
A model writes to Auguste Rodin
Lou Reed writes to a television producer
Orson Welles’ suggestions for The Transformers: The Movie
Tweets from the 1965 Newport Folk Festival
A note from Alexander Graham Bell’s business manager
A publisher writes to Geoffrey Chaucer
Brian Eno’s discarded oblique strategies
A Christmas round-robin from the Freud family
Tim Berners-Lee’s World Wide Web development diary
The head of the American Lizard Lovers Association writes to Jim Morrison
Albert Einstein contacts a photographer
Brian Jones’ hopes for the Rolling Stones
A potential competition winner writes to Alfred Hitchcock
Letter from the table next to the Algonquin Round Table
Information to all Pizza Archipelago employees on the arrival of Van Morrison
Cormac McCarthy gives directions
Wilbur Wright writes to his brother
David Simon writes to HBO Enterprises
Charles Darwin writes to his American publisher
The Mark E. Smith audio guide to Ripon Cathedral
Jane Austen writes to a love rival
Captain Scott’s other last letter to his wife
An eviction notice from St Francis of Assisi’s landlord
A benefactor contacts Baden Powell
Art Garfunkel writes to Vampire Weekend
Joan of Arc’s note to her captors
Notes for Bill Gates’ first High School reunion
Edgar Allen Poe vs. The Baltimore Sanitation Department
A lover replies to Vincent Van Gogh
Biddy Baxter writes to a viewer
Agatha Christie’s jury duty notes
Gandhi writes to his dry cleaner
Bo Diddley writes to his publicist
Ivan Pavlov contacts his local pet store
A letter from George Orwell’s publishers
Harold Pinter moves into greeting cards
April 2014
My friends.
I can’t quite remember why I decided to write a note purportedly from cult German film director Werner Herzog to his fictional cleaning lady. I know where I was: in the kitchen of my flat in Walthamstow, which I was eventually driven out of by an upstairs neighbour with an insatiable love of Speed Garage and lengthy Call of Duty sessions … but that’s another introduction entirely.
Being able to correctly identify the inspiration and mechanics involved in the moment of that letter’s construction would have come in handy when I had to write a book full of similar material (spoiler alert: It’s this book). But anyway, I couldn’t. Though the moment definitely happened, because I wrote the letter, had it rejected by someone, felt a bit sad, then wisely sent it to Sabotage Times, where it quickly ‘went viral’, as I believe the young people say. I had no idea people are as enamoured of Herzog as I am, but it seems the masses can’t get enough of that crazy Bavarian and his delightful antics. What baffled me most was the volume of readers who thought it was actually written by him. Even though, as Herzog himself pointed out in an interview, it had my name right next to it.
It seemed sensible to try again, so I went on to write ludicrous missives from other figures I have a healthy obsession with, including Mark E. Smith, Brian Eno, George Orwell, Neil Young and more Brian Eno (I love Brian Eno). Soon, I had unwittingly developed into, as writer Joel Morris put it, ‘the BBC4 version of Mike Yarwood’.
However, though a number of these collected letters have been seen before, circulating around the darker reaches of the internet, most are shiny and new. A few didn’t make the cut due to legal issues or for reasons of baffling obscurity. You can find some of these at lettersofnot.com, where you can also send your complaints and gift baskets.
A hearty thanks to everyone included in the book who decided not to sue me. You are good eggs. To the others – see you in court.
Dale Shaw
P.S. Full disclosure – I was listening to Ram by Paul McCartney as I wrote this.
