Monster and Chips

For James

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgment

Prologue

Chapter 1 - Mr Fuzzby Bixington

Chapter 2 - Milkshake Mayhem

Chapter 3 - When Cakes Attack!

Chapter 4 - Monsterchef

Copyright

About the Publisher

Acknowledgement

Thanks to Alex Milway, Sarah McIntyre and

Jodie Marsh for help and cakes

Did you know that there are

places where our ordinary world

rubs against strange, magical

worlds? When this happens holes

sometimes get worn between

the two, creating doorways.

It can happen anywhere.

Perhaps on a street near you.

An ordinary-looking door will

appear, so ordinary that you might not

even notice it. Like the door of a diner –

just a place that sells burgers and chips.

But there might be a very special diner

on the other side of that door, with very

special customers…

Joe had been sent on a perilous quest – to get chips for dinner. Mum had given him some magic tokens, or “money”, as she liked to call it, and ordered him to find the finest chips in the land or die in the process. Now Joe the Fearless faced the stronghold of McGreasy’s takeaway, the treasure of golden fried potato almost within his grasp. But alas! What monstrous horror blocked our hero’s path?

“Oh look, it’s that squirming little bum-toot, Joe Shoe!” sneered Grotty Grace, the school bully, snapping Joe out of his heroic daydream.

Grotty Grace was one of McGreasy’s best customers, and had the body to prove it. Even a fire-breathing dragon with fearsome teeth and mighty jaws would have had trouble digesting Grotty Grace. She was standing in front of the takeaway door, munching messily on a McGreasy burger with extra everything.

Joe attempted to slide past her, but Grotty Grace pressed her spotty face up close to his so that her smelly burger-breath swept up his nose and poked his brain like stinky fingers.

“Let me get past, Grace!” said Joe. “I’m fetching some chips for my mum.”

He tried to sound like Joe the Fearless, but with his nose screwed up he sounded more like a posh duck.

Grotty Grace laughed, her chins wobbling like angry jelly.

“Say that you’re nothing but a squirming little bum-toot and I’ll let you pass,” said Grace, with a menacing growl. “And if you let me have some of your chips I might not thump you.”

Joe needed a plan. He didn’t want to get thumped but he wasn’t going to give Grace any of his chips. He had to get her away from the door to the takeaway.

Then Joe remembered that there was a little alley at the end of the street. It looked a bit spooky but he could hide there until Grace had finished devouring her burger and gone home.

“The advantage of being a bum-toot,” said Joe, summoning Joe the Fearless once more, “is that they are both lethal and invisible. Like ninjas. So I’m quite proud to say that I am a squirming little bum-toot. In fact, I thank you for the compliment.”

Grotty Grace looked puzzled. She had not expected this. No one had ever thanked her before. She opened her mouth to give Joe another insult. But Joe had already gone.

“That’s two thumpings you’ll get now!” Grace yelled after him.

The alley lay ahead, narrow and dark. Tall, rickety buildings loomed over it and filled it with shadow. Joe sped down its twisting path, searching for somewhere to hide. He was sure Grace would soon leave the takeaway and then he could get his chips.

But – disaster! Grotty Grace had followed him, sniffing about like a hungry wolf after a rabbit. “I know you’re down there, bum-toot!” he heard her bellow. There was no escape – the alley ended in a high wall. The heavy footsteps of doom grew louder. Grace wasn’t giving up. Joe was in a panic – what could he do?

Then he noticed a door he hadn’t seen before, even though he must have gone past it. On the door was a sign that said: FUZZBY’S DINER. Underneath that it said: TRY OUR FAMOUS CHIPS!

Chips! He’d be safe in the diner with people around AND get chips to take back home. All his problems solved in one go.

Joe pulled open the door and dashed inside.

He ran straight into a pair of long, thick legs. Legs wearing green, furry trousers. Was this the latest fashion? He didn’t think much of it.

“Sorry,” Joe said, looking up at the owner of the legs. “I didn’t—Eerrk!” The words died in his throat with a little shriek.

There, in front of him, stood a huge, terrifying, green, hair-covered creature with fangs and claws, and menacing yellow eyes. It blinked and lowered its face towards him, drool dripping from its terrible teeth.

“Oh, hello,” said the monster, in a friendly voice. “Have you come about the job?”

said Joe, which seemed the right thing to say at a time like this.

The monster blinked at him again. “You are here to apply for the job?” he said uncertainly. “Like it says on the sign?” The creature tapped a claw on a piece of card stuck to the door. It had the words ‘Help Wanted’ written on it in scrawly handwriting. “You’ll only have to work an hour or so, during the busy times,” he continued chattily. “And I hope you like chips. We make a lot here. Do you like them with salt and vinegar? Or curry sauce? Or perhaps with ketchup?”