In retrospect, I realize that for a long time, for decades, I have been suffering from the throes of yearning, which especially tormented me if I was alone with myself on weekends and holidays. When I happened to wake up way before morning, this feeling would often intensify. I regarded it as prolonged depression, tried to work with a psychologist, take antidepressants, and distract myself with socializing and hobbies. However, everything was ineffective, and the longing returned.
At first, I sought the reasons outside of myself – in a long-troubled marriage, a lack of a stable personal life, housing issue, and financial instability. However, as the years passed and life improved – the marriage with its psychological traumas was left far behind, I purchased a home, and my financial situation stabilized – emotional and psychological comfort still eluded me.
I focused my attention on the search for a life partner, believing that once I found the person I dreamed of, all my problems stemming from loneliness would resolve themselves. I did meet such a man, as expected, after a brief sense of relief, everything returned to normal. I came to realize a simple truth: the problem lies inside my psyche and has little to do with external circumstances. I began to seek answers to the question of what, in fact, was wrong with me. Both professional and amateur psychologists in their online lectures discussed topics like auto-aggression, merging, co-dependency, the victim complex, abusers, narcissists, and even infants. These snippets of information and entire theories swirled in my mind, attempting to explain why my relationships unfolded as they did. Yet the suffocating longing wouldn't go away. During that time, I felt that my subconscious had something to reveal to me, but I couldn't figure out how to access it. When lying in a state of relaxed wakefulness before sleep, I imagined large, dark «fish» emerging from the depths of my subconscious, but I could not grasp their tails to understand them.
One day, in February 2024, I woke up in the middle of the night, lying awake with my thoughts racing about my failed life until it was time to get ready for work. I got up feeling as though I had been beaten all night. Suddenly, I realized that it wasn't just a metaphor; I was truly being "beaten," but I was doing it to myself with sadistic pleasure. This discovery struck me – I suddenly understood that this was auto-aggression in its purest form. I had previously imagined auto-aggression as something more obvious, like a person engaging in self-destructive behaviors when they fail, such as hitting themselves, calling themselves harsh names, biting their nails, slashing their wrists, or banging their head against the wall. However, I unexpectedly realized that auto-aggression also manifests as a fascinating state where two personalities exist in my mind: one is a successful person of God, and the other is an unsuccessful sinner. The first personality begins to lecture the second, listing all its transgressions and passing judgment on each one, endlessly. How interesting! Suddenly, I felt better. While still waking up in the morning, I managed to suppress these inner dialogues with sheer willpower. Even if I didn't fall back asleep, I no longer felt so beaten down. Great, I thought, it's done! I started feeling much better, sleeping well, and eventually began attending the Conservatoire. At that time, I compared myself to a rebuilt and restored grand piano that only needed tuning to be able to play a beautiful melody, whereas before, I felt like a mock piano, good for nothing.
About three months later, at the end of June, I had an unusual and very vivid dream in which I received a small lizard, about the size of a hen's egg, as a gift. It fit in the palm of my hand and was so cute and harmless that I instinctively reached out to feed it. I offered it a crumb of something tasty, and in that instant, it began to grow at an alarming rate, transforming into a fearsome and aggressively terrifying dragon that filled the entire room. There was no doubt about its intention to destroy me… and then I woke up. A little later, I realized the meaning of this dream: it represented auto-aggression, which can be quite harmless if kept in check, but if nurtured with even a hint of self-dissatisfaction, it can become destructive.
I became interested in exploring the essence of this phenomenon, realizing it might hold the key to solving my problems. I found that I thought best during classical music concerts and while walking through the winding alleys of Moscow. While walking, I took notes to capture my thoughts. Through observing myself and others, I realized that the issue lies not solely in auto-aggression; it is merely a part of the vicious cycle present in the psyche of an infantile or ouroboric personality (these adjectives will be used interchangeably in the text), to which, without a doubt, I belong.
