A Surprise ( a burlesque in one act )
Cast:
Miss Elisa Scott, 18
Mrs. Scott, Elisa’s mother, 43
Mr. Eugene Sunderland, a young man in love with Elisa, 21
Mr. Alexander Burps, a friend of Mrs. Scott, 44
Mr. Zachary Higgs, a neighbor downstairs
The drawing room at the Scotts’. Elisa and her mother sitting on the sofa expect the arrival of Eugene who intends to ask the hand of Elisa, it’s a sort of formal engagement.
Elisa: Mom, you know, I’m in two minds: should I accept Eugene or reject him?
Mrs. Scott: Elisa, your heart knows better than I do. You’re old enough to make such a decision, and Eugene seems to be a decent match as you describe him.
Elisa: Of course, Mama. You see, my taste is quite perfect. And he’s such a beaut!
But should I look better around, perhaps, picking someone else except him?
Mrs. Scott: Around? Your too wide circle of beaux with whom you’re damnably popular, my sweetie? Tut-tut! You have to decide now. You know, the bird in the hand…
Elisa: Ha! He is a gay bird, always cracking jokes, with some trick up his sleeve and ever talking “big”! Yet a bit simple. Sometimes I find him so unbearable!
Mrs. Scott: Better to have a wag, a modest chap rather than some bore or a taciturn bloke, honey.
Elisa: Yes, you’re right, Mummy. Well, where can be Eugene? Late?
Mrs. Scott: Coming any minute. By the way, Lisa, you remember Mr. Burps of whom I told you once or twice? He has some plans on you, darling. He’ll be a surprise…
Elisa: Mama, I never saw the man. Leave it off. As soon as I’m concerned, my treat is the young Mr. Sunderland.
Mrs. Scott: And I neither saw your man. We shall see. We shall see… (smiling enigmatically)
Doorbell rings. Eugene with a bunch of flowers enters.
Elisa: Mama, meet Eugene.
Eugene gives flowers to Elisa and shakes hands with Mrs. Scott
Eugene: Nice to meet you, Madam. How are you?
Mrs. Scott: I’m OK. Hope you also?
All sit on the sofa.
Eugene: Fine weather, isn’t it?
Mrs. Scott: Refreshing. Hmm…
An awkward pause follows.
Elisa: Oh, Eugene, come on! (encouraging him to speak). You’ve come to…
Eugene: Of course, Mrs. Scott. I and Elisa… Elisa and I… I and Elisa… We…
At this moment a large exotic spider pops up on his jacket sleeve and crawls up to the collar. Eugene still unawares, Elisa and Mrs. Scott are dumbfound, awe-stricken watch the thing steadily go up.
Eugene: Is something wrong? (He raises his arm and runs his hand through his hair and the spider is helped to climb up Eugene’s head-crown). Ah! What’s that? (throws off the spider and it is whiskered onto the sofa, all three spring up)
Mrs. Scott: {A-a-a-h!
Elisa: {A-a-a-h!
Eugene: {A-a-a-h!
The spider crawls off the sofa and scours to the corner to hide.
Elisa: Eugene! It’s your trick, you idiot!
Mother having sunk onto the sofa lies in a half-swoon
Elisa: Mom! Mom! (pats her on the cheek and Mrs. Scott comes around)
Eugene: Mrs. Scott, are you all right? I assure you, that thing got on my jacket, I don’t know how, not a slightest idea! Perhaps, it belongs here? You’ve got a terrarium, haven’t you, eh?
Elisa: OK. Right. Right. Nobody’s hurt? (tries a smile)
All three regain their position on the sofa.
Mrs. Scott: Phew! This thing nearly killed me!
Eugene: It was on me, on me, Ma’am!
Elisa: My brave Eugene, on you, sure, on you! Ok. Let’s go on. Eugene, what were you saying?
Eugene: Well… I..
Mrs. Scott: Wait a minute, could you? I’ve mentioned a surprise, haven’t I, darling? (to Elisa). Now (looking at her wrist-watch) 17:30. Just the time for Mr. Burps to arrive. I asked him to drop in.
Elisa: It’s a bad idea, Mama, we are receiving Eugene! I’ve got him!
Eugene: Yes. She’s got me. And I…
Mrs. Scott: Lisa, Mr. Burps is one of my old acquaintances, a very respectable man, divorced, no children, thinking of his future, perhaps, his and your future…
Elisa: Mama, how can this be? You’re ruining everything!