On a perfect day in the month of June, in a lovely field of green, my life starts falling apart. At five minutes after four in the afternoon, to be exact.
At ten of four things are still fine and dandy. Iâm watching eagerly as the handsome boy with the aluminum bat steps out of the batterâs box and readjusts his gloves, just like A-Rod, his big-league hero. I lean forward in the dugout, but resist the impulse to shout encouragement. My son, tall and lanky for his eleven years, doesnât mind the fact that his mom is an assistant Little League manager, but he has asked me not to shout from the sidelines like so many of the other parents. Parents who are, like, hideously uncool. His phrase. Tomas âTommyâ Bickford. My perfect, precious, truly gifted son. My amazing, maddening child. Amazing because he seems to be changing every day, sometimes from minute to minute. Maddening for the same reason, because I never know if heâs going to be my sweet little boy, goofy and affectionate, or if heâll dis me with his soon-to-be-teen-stud coolness. Tommy can toggle between the two identities in the space of a heartbeat, and every time it happens it hits me like a soft blow to the belly.
At eleven heâs such a guy. And somehow I never imagined my son would be, well, a guy guy. What did I expect him to be? Did I think heâd stay my baby boy forever? Clinging to my apron strings? And I do wear aprons. Aprons inscribed with the logo for my catering company. I also make cookies. A thousand or so a day, for the upscale delis and restaurants in my neck of the Connecticut woods.
I like to think of myself as a warmer version of Martha Stewart. Warmer and a lot less wealthy. But doing okay in my own small way. Katherine Bickford Catering books over two hundred events a year. Peanuts compared to the really huge commercial catering firms, but more than enough to keep my twelve employees very busy indeed. Average event, eighty-five plates. Average charge per plate, sixty-two dollars. Do the math and youâll discover that adds up to more than a million dollars gross. A million bucks! Of course, we showed a whole lot less than a million in profit, but still. And I really did start the business in my own kitchen. With a small, frightened four-year-old boy âhelpingâ me sift the flour.
Weâve both come so far in the last seven years that it sometimes takes my breath away. Especially when I admit to myself that when we started out I was even more terrified than the four-year-old. Terrified of suddenly having to raise a child on my own. Terrified I would never get over the grief of losing Ted, the love of my life, my sweet husband. Terrified that I would simply vanish into the black hole of despair if I stopped moving or stopped mothering for even a minute.
Even now, seven years later, just thinking his name gives me a Ted-size pang of melancholy. Like a low, mournful note on a cello, quietly sounding in the deepest part of me. But the anxious fear is gone. Over time the grief has become regret, for all the things poor Ted has missed. Tommy on his first bicycleâDonât touch me, Mom, I can do it all by myself! Tommy on his way to first grade, fiercely insisting that he not be accompanied into the schoolâthe bravest kid in all the world that day.
Amazing boy. For the first month or so after Ted died, he came to our bedâmy suddenly lonesome bedâand slept at my side in a fetal position, reaching out in his sleep as if he thought I, too, might vanish from his life. And then one day at breakfast he quietly announced that he was âtoo bigâ to sleep in his mommyâs bed. Hit me two ways, that one. Fierce pride that at four he had such a strong sense of self. And regret that he didnât seem to need me quite as much as I needed him. At least while he slept.
How many hours did I stand in Tommyâs bedroom door that first year after Ted passed, watching him sleep? More than I care to admit. And yet just watching him helped me. As watching him now helps remind me of who I am. My first and most important identity: Tommy Bickfordâs mom. Proud to be, even if he doesnât want me shouting his name from the dugout.
What the hell, let him deal with it.
âCome on, Tommy! Clean stroke! Good at bat!â
Stepping back into the batterâs box, he shoots me a glare. Also a grin, like he knows Mom canât help herself.
The pitcher, a husky kid who looks as if heâs been taking steroidsâhasnât, Iâm sure, but he has that beefy lookâpeers in for the sign, flings back his arm and delivers the ball. Not exactly a fastballâIâm guessing 70 mph or so on his dadâs radar gunâbut straight and true and heading right for the catcherâs mitt.