The Book of Dad
The Book that will forever define the essentially comic state of being, acting, looking, and sounding like a Dad.You think you know your Dad? You think he gets up to go to work every morning, does his job, eats his lunch, has an afternoon snack or three, then comes home and eats dinner in front of the TV? On the weekend, maybe he mows the lawn or fixes that broken shelf, or has a few jars down the pub with the lads? You think that’s what Dads do, don’t you? You think that’s all there is?Oh, how little you know.A hymn to all things paternal, ‘The Book of Dad’ will change the way you think about your Dad, my Dad, his Dad, their Dad, Everybody’s Dad. Including such marvellous chapters as Know Your Dad, The World According to Dad, Dads Through The Ages (from Caveman Dad up to Victorian Dad), How To Be A Dad, and The Dad-to-Be, ‘The Book of Dad’ is a highly illustrated, high-quality, highly anticipated romp through the pantheon of Dadness…and beyond…but not too far.
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Dadication’s What You Need!
Written by A Dad
(Paul Barker)
Contents
Part One
Know your Dad
Part Two
The Spotter’s Guide
Part Three
Dads Through the Ages
Part Four
The Family Jigsaw
Part Five
The Gospel According to Dad
Part Six
The Psychology of Dad
Part Seven
The Natural Dad
Part Eight
The Dad-to-Be
Part Nine
How To Be a Dad
Part Ten
Ask Dad
Part Eleven
Dad Recipes
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
Copyright
About the Publisher
Foreword, Who is Dad?
Dad. Say it. Dad. What does Dad mean? Dad’s not Father. No. Not Papa. Definitely not. Not Daddy, not Daddio. No way. Don’t even consider Pater. Dad is something and someone else entirely. Dad. He has a solid monosyllabic quality, a comforting bluntness. Dad is all homely and informal in his open-necked shirt. Dad is unique and universal, a fascinating amalgam of qualities, vices and foibles. Dad is drama and excitement, unfolding action, comedy, romance, soap opera, game show. All human life is in Dad. Dad is a landscape and a portrait. Dad is history; Dad is culture. Dad reaches his arms around the world. Dad is a king with an invisible crown. Dad is the centre, gravity, the slowly spinning gyroscope from which all things come. Dad is all this and more. Pretty much.
You might be a Dad; you might not. But, whoever you are, rich or poor, black or white, great or small, man, woman or child, you will know how essential Dad can be. You will know of an occasion, an incident, an accident, something from your very own past that says something about the nature, the role, the purpose of Dad. Dad is part of nature’s great cycle. Dads have children; children have Dads. And so on. It’s time to celebrate Dad.
Know your Dad
Dads are, of course, people. For this reason, Dads and expressions of Dadness are infinitely varied. But, infinitely varied or not, they can be analysed and assessed, and many fall into recognisable patterns of behaviour. So, if you’re trying to figure out exactly who and what your Dad is, or you are a Dad and you’re trying to figure out exactly who and what you are, or you are a Dad and you know exactly who and what you are, but you’re thinking of re-inventing yourself, then it’s worth making brain-space for the types of Dad on offer.
How Strict is Your Dad?
Your Dad finds the twelve-year-old you smoking a Woodbine in the potting shed. His response is to…
a) Enlist you in the navy.
b) Withdraw library privileges for a month.
c) Say, without looking at you, ‘Woodbines are for the servants. You should have asked me.’
If you answered:
a) Your Dad is pretty strict. At least he lets you live.
b) Your Dad is pretty savvy–he knew you’d prefer a caning to get it over with.
c) Your Dad may not be your real father.
Dad Rule
Dads come in different levels of scariness–some can be tyrants, others are more like big cuddly toys you take money from. Some can fail to instil any morals at all.
How Fashionable is Your Dad?
Your parents are invited to a friend’s fortieth-birthday bash. Your Dad wears…
a) That somewhat sombre suit he wore when he appeared before the Commons Select Committee.
b) His Rolling Stones Voodoo Lounge Tour T-shirt.
c) The ironed top and trousers your Mum put out for him.
If you answered:
a) Your Dad is not very fashionable, but it’s okay because he really doesn’t care.
b) The answer is the same.
c) Your Dad could possibly be quite…‘cool’. In this case it all depends on your Mother.
Dad Rule
There is a very general and very simple rule when it comes to Dads and fashion–they are not fashionable.
How Old is Your Dad?
You run to your Dad, new football in hand, and beg him to come outside for a game. Your Dad…
a) Has snatched the ball from you and has dribbled halfway down the garden before you have laced up your boots.
b) Lowers the Daily Telegraph, puts down his pipe and says, ‘That’s more of a weekend sort of thing, chum. I’ve been working, so I just want to read the obits, puff the old St Bruno and sip on a single malt. All right?’
c) Does nothing. But the nurse beside the bed puts her finger to her lips and shakes her head.
If you answered:
a) Your Dad is still plenty youthful and good for all the outdoor stuff.
b) Your Dad is probably past his peak, but good for the occasional outing. If you have two older siblings you are very likely an accident.
c) It sounds like you could be accidental or illegitimate. Either way, you’re playing alone.
Dad Rule
Dads are not constrained by biology in the same ways that Mums are. There have been some famous octogenarian Dads with plenty to offer (mostly cash).
How Left Wing is Your Dad?
A man canvassing for an extreme right-wing party comes to the door. Your Dad…
a) Punches him on the nose.
b) Tries to punch him on the nose, but fails.
c) Says he doesn’t believe in God, thank you very much, and closes the door.
If you answered:
a) Your Dad is probably more violent than ideologically committed.
b) Your Dad is probably committed but inept.
c) There are a number of possibilities, including the possibility that your Dad is highly committed but frequently drunk.
Dad Rule
Left-wing Dads are becoming increasingly rare. These days you are more likely to have a generally Anti-Capitalist Dad. If you have got the genuine article, treasure him–he’s highly collectable.
