The Confessions Collection
The complete Timothy Lea and Rosie Dixon confessions from the CONFESSIONS series, the brilliant sex comedies from the 70s, available for the first time in eBook.Save over £30 on the individual purchase RRPContains:Timothy Lea’s Complete ConfessionsCONFESSIONS OF A WINDOW CLEANERCONFESSIONS OF A DRIVING INSTRUCTORCONFESSIONS FROM A HOLIDAY CAMPCONFESSIONS FROM A HOTELCONFESSIONS OF A TRAVELLING SALESMANCONFESSIONS OF A FILM EXTRACONFESSIONS FROM THE CLINKCONFESSIONS FROM A HEALTH FARMCONFESSIONS OF A PRIVATE SOLDIERCONFESSIONS OF A POP STARCONFESSIONS FROM THE SHOP FLOORCONFESSIONS OF A LONG DISTANCE LORRY DRIVERCONFESSIONS OF A PLUMBER’S MATECONFESSIONS OF A PRIVATE DICKCONFESSIONS FROM A LUXURY LINERCONFESSIONS OF A MILKMANCONFESSIONS FROM A NUDIST COLONYCONFESSIONS OF AN ICE CREAM MANCONFESSIONS FROM A HAUNTED HOUSEAnd Rosie Dixon’s Complete ConfessionsCONFESSIONS OF A NIGHT NURSECONFESSIONS OF A GYM MISTRESSCONFESSIONS FROM AN ESCORT AGENCYCONFESSIONS OF A LADY COURIERCONFESSIONS FROM A PACKAGE TOURCONFESSIONS OF A PHYSICAL WRACCONFESSIONS OF A BABYSITTERCONFESSIONS OF A PERSONAL SECRETARY
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The Confessions Collection
by Timothy Lea and Rosie Dixon
CONTENTS
Publisher’s Note
Introduction
Confessions of a Window Cleaner
Confessions of a Driving Instructor
Confessions from a Holiday Camp
Confessions of a Travelling salesman
Confessions from a Health Farm
Confessions of a Private Soldier
Confessions from the Shop Floor
Confessions of a Long Distance Lorry Driver
Confessions of a Plumber’s Mate
Confessions from a Luxury Liner
Confessions from a Nudist Colony
Confessions of an Ice Cream Man
Confessions from a Haunted House
Confessions from an Escort Agency
Confessions from a Package Tour
Confessions of a Physical WRAC
Confessions of a Personal Secretary
About the Publisher
The Confessions series of novels were written in the 1970s and some of the content may not be as politically correct as we might expect of material written today. We have, however, published these ebook editions without any changes to preserve the integrity of the original books. These are word for word how they first appeared.
How did it all start?
When I was young and in want of cash (which was all the time) I used to trudge round to the local labour exchange during holidays from school and university to sign on for any job that was going – mason’s mate, loader for Speedy Prompt Delivery, part-time postman, etc.
During our tea and fag breaks (‘Have a go and have a blow’ was the motto) my fellow workers would regale me with stories of the Second World War: ‘Very clean people, the Germans’, or of throwing Irishmen through pub windows (men who had apparently crossed the Irish sea in hard times and were prepared to work for less than the locals). This was interesting, but what really stuck in my mind were the recurring stories of the ‘mate’ or the ‘brother-in-law’. The stories about these men (rarely about the speaker himself) were about being seduced, to put it genteelly, whilst on the job by (it always seemed to be) ‘a posh bird’:
‘Oeu-euh. Would you care for a cup of tea?’
‘And he was up her like a rat up a drainpipe’
These stories were prolific. Even one of the – to my eyes – singularly uncharismatic workers had apparently been invited to indulge in carnal capers after a glass of lemonade one hot summer afternoon near Guildford.
Of course, these stories could all have been make-believe or urban myth, but I couldn’t help thinking, with all this repetition, surely there must be something in them?
When writing the series, it seemed unrealistic and undemocratic that Timmy’s naive charms should only appeal to upper class women, so I quickly widened his demographic and put him in situations where any attractive member of the fairer sex might cross his path.
The books were always fun to write and never more so than when they involved Timmy’s family: his Mum, his Dad (prone to nicking weird objects from the lost property office where he worked), his sister Rosie and, perhaps most importantly, his conniving, would be entrepreneur, brother-in-law Sidney Noggett. Sidney was Timmy’s eminence greasy, a disciple of Thatcherism before it had been invented.
Whatever the truth concerning Timothy Lea’s origins, twenty-seven ‘Confessions’ books and four movies suggest that an awful lot of people share my fascination with the character and his adventures. I am grateful to each and every one of them.
Christopher Wood aka Timothy Lea
Confessions of a Window Cleaner
BY TIMOTHY LEA
CONTENTS
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
The window cleaning lark first begins to appeal to me one evening when I am up at the pub with my brother-in-law. It is on Clapham Common and we are sitting on a bench outside, watching the sun go down and this big bird with the white silk blouse on. It is a bit small – the blouse I mean – and rides up from her waist so you can see her two tone flesh and the top of her knickers.
She has been in the sun, that is for sure. She has dyed hair, too much lipstick and a diabolical eyebrow pencil beauty spot that dates her a bit, but if she is going down hill I can think of a few blokes who wouldn’t mind waiting for her at the bottom – me included.
“Sup up,” says Sid. “You’re supposed to drink it, not pour it all over your balls. You’re right out of practice, aren’t you?”
I nod and correct the angle of my glass. Sid is right. I am straight out of reform school, ‘for the holidays’, my poxy father says, and there haven’t been a lot of opportunities for elbow bending – or lapping up birds like Silk Blouse. She has a black bra underneath it which I think is a bit of a liberty. Sid looks at her as if it is an effort to keep from yawning. “I’ve had her,” he says, switching his gaze to his finger nails. Very neat they are, too. Say what you like about Sid – and most people say plenty – but he keeps himself in good nick.
