Contents
Title Page
Dedication
1 - Along Came a Spider
2 - There Was an Old Lady
3 - Follow the Yellow Brick Road
4 - Revenge Is a Dish Best Served with Bacon
5 - Jack Has a Bright Idea
6 - A Bit of a Drag
7 - Quiet on Set
8 - A Blufferâs Guide to Polite Conversation
9 - At Midnight, All the Detectives
10 - Breakfast at Matildaâs
11 - A Secret Revealed
12 - Bean There, Done That
13 - Lots of Hot Air
14 - Cloud Kingdom
15 - Fee, Fie, Foe, Something-or-Other
16 - The Not-So-Great Escape
17 - The Axeman Cometh
18 - A Surprise Ending
Acknowledgments
Also in the series
Copyright
About the Publisher
1
Along Came a Spider
Sometimes being a detective isnât all that easy. Actually itâs never that easy. Case in point, my current client: a small lady with a big arachnid problem.
âSpiders?â I said, ushering the very pale and very frightened Miss Muffet to the nearest chair.
âYes, spiders,â Miss Muffet nodded faintly, lips trembling. She looked to be teetering on the edge of a complete breakdown â and I didnât fancy being the one left cleaning up the shattered pieces from my floor afterwards.
âSpiders,â I said again, still trying to get my head around what she was saying. âAs in small, scuttling things with eight legs that build webs in unswept corners?â
âNo Mr Pigg, spiders as in large, hairy creatures the size of poodles; spiders that eat small animals and build webs that fishing trawlers could use to haul in whales. Iâm not talking about a few tiny money spiders here; Iâm talking about thousands of these giant eight-legged monsters running amuck in my house. Imagine putting a breakfast on the table and then, when the guest goes to get his coffee, he comes back only to find that a tarantula or somesuch has made off with his bacon,â she said. âAnd not only that, spiders terrify me; always have done. I hate them. I canât even sleep there any more Iâm so frightened. Itâs playing merry hell with my business.â
âAnd what business would that be?â I asked.
âOh, sorry, didnât I say? I do apologise. Iâm the proprietor of the Curds and Whey Bed and Breakfast on Grimm Road. Maybe youâve heard of it?â
I gave a rueful shake of the head.
âAh well, never mind. It used to be very popular with visitors and was very highly thought of. Until this happened, business was extremely good. I had full occupancy. Now, not too many people are keen on staying there.â Fumbling in her bag she took out a tiny white handkerchief and began dabbing her eyes just as the tears began to trickle. âThe house has been in my family for generations,â she said between sobs. âIf I canât get this sorted Iâll have to close down and sell it. I canât let that happen. Thatâs why Iâve come to you.â She looked up at me. âI need you to find out whoâs doing this; find out whoâs trying to put me out of business. Can you help me, Mr Pigg?â
Now Iâm normally not one to refuse a pretty lady, but there was just one teeny problem; well, a fairly big problem actually: I didnât like spiders either. Scratch that, I hated them. They were one of two things that really terrified me (and no, Iâm not about to tell you what the other is; I donât want you laughing at me). Just the thought of one of those hairy creatures scuttling across my trotter sent shivers up and down my spine, along my arms and down my legs, where they stopped for a moment to catch their breath before running back up again for a repeat performance.
Miss Muffetâs dilemma meant I now had to do a careful juggling act: fear of spiders versus earning money to pay some long outstanding bills â and some of my bill collectors were of the type that had a baseball bat as part of their corporate uniform. After a brief, but brutal, mental struggle, earning money came out a clear winner, actively encouraged by blind greed and aided and abetted by sheer desperation â fear of spiders never stood a chance.
I stood up and extended my trotter. âMiss Muffet, the Third Pig Detective Agency would be delighted to take on your case,â I said, trying not to show any hint of the anxiety that was developing into full-blown arachnophobia in my head.
The look of relief on her face convinced me Iâd done the right thing.
âOh thatâs wonderful, Mr Pigg. I knew I could count on you.â
Weâll see how much you can count on me when funnel-web spiders start doing the tarantella up and down my back, I thought, but, of course, I didnât say it out loud; I had an image to maintain, after all.
I walked my new client to my office door.
âI think the first thing we should do is to go and have a look at your building,â I said. âMaybe weâll find some clues there.â I didnât really want to â for obvious reasons â but I had to start somewhere and the B&B seemed like a good place to kick things off, although if what she said was true Iâd spend most of the time kicking off spiders.