The Dastardly Book for Dogs

PREFACE

There was a time not long ago when dogs were necessities, not accessories. We corralled wayward sheep in the heartland. We brought warming brandy to climbers in the hinterland. We were a valued asset to every fireman, a faithful sentinel for every rag-and-bone man and a slavishly loyal friend to everyman. We roamed freely because we had earned our keep, and our aggressions and wanderlust were celebrated, not curbed. It was a time when we ran on the ground instead of being toted about in frilly pink satchels, a time when we were simply hosed down in the garden instead of ferried to the groomer. It was a time B.D. – Before Domestication, when we could be what we are. Dogs.

In an age of pampering and pet steps, we seem to have lost touch with the greatest joys of canine existence – instinctive joys that the stoic Great Dane, the scampering Chihuahua and the barky old pound mutt alike could share: finding the nastiest odours to roll in, savoring the subtle earthy flavours of a Jimmy Choo slingback – and, of course, mounting bitches.

In these pages you will read great tales of canine bravery and bravado, such as the journey of the first dog to set foot on North America. You will know the glory achieved by courageous dogs of war. You will be awed by the landmark silver screen performances of Cujo, Old Yeller and the ferocious Beagle Pack in Omen III: The Final Conflict. You will know what it means to be a Dog.

What is the greatest scratching position in the world? How do you escape a humiliating attack of ‘dressing up’? Can you ever catch your own tail? The answers are inside this book. We provide them not just as an instructional guide, but as a way to put you back in touch with your thrill-seeking, mischievous roots. Here we are reminded of the old canine proverb: ‘Owwwwwwwwww, ow, ow, owwwwwww!’ – a sentiment as true today as it was in the day of our wild ancestors.

We wish we had a book like this when we were puppies. All too often we dogs are content to sleep seventeen hours a day, with a biscuit break here and there, unaware of all the wondrous fun we could be having treeing a squirrel, lapping up the wind from a car window or constructing a custom bed out of our owner’s clean laundry.

When you reach a certain age, things become routine. The doorbell doesn’t excite you as much as it once did, the bottoms at the park all smell the same, and your dreams of herding sheep on the open range have faded away.

But today’s dog should never forget there’s a whole wide world of adventure out there. We hope that this book doesn’t merely remind you of your puppyhood, but truly rekindles it. Owwwwwwwwww, ow, ow, owwwwwww, indeed.

Nothing breaks up the monotony of a boring day quite like a good chase. It’s great exercise, excellent practice for eye-mouth coordination, and really, really fun. Chasing is also an ancient ritual of our species that directly led to many important cultural advancements, including fetch, bird-dogging and even doggy-paddling.

In practice, you can chase anything that moves: remote-control cars, toddlers, cats, imagined things – the list goes on and on. In order to keep the list manageable, we’ve only included the best inanimate chasing objects. We’ve left animals off this list to cover in greater detail later.

The golden rule of chasing is to never take your eye off of the chase thingy. Doing so will make you aware of all the other things around you that you could also be chasing, and you know what you end up catching when you try to chase two things at once? Nothing. And not catching something you are chasing is no fun, especially if what you’re chasing is capable of laughing at you.