The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
The highly anticipated first book from award-winning comedian, writer, producer and actress, Amy Schumer.In The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo, Amy shares stories about her family, her relationships, her career, good – and bad – sex, recounting the experiences that have shaped who she is today: from the riches to rags story of her childhood to her teenage quest for popularity (and boys) to becoming one of the most sought-after comedians on the planet and an outspoken advocate for women’s rights.Whether she’s experiencing lust at first sight in the queue at the airport, discovering her boot camp instructor’s secret bad habit, or candidly discussing her father’s multiple sclerosis, Amy Schumer proves to be a fearless, original, and always entertaining storyteller. Her book will move you, make you laugh, catch you completely off guard, and answer this burning question: is it okay for a 35 year-old woman to still sleep with her childhood teddy bears?
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NOTE TO READERS: Certain names and characteristics have been changed throughout the work, regardless of whether such changes are specifically identified.
HarperCollinsPublishers
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First published in the US by Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 2016
First published in the UK by HarperCollinsPublishers 2016
FIRST EDITION
© Amy Schumer 2016
Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2016
Front cover photograph © Mark Seliger
A catalogue record of this book is
available from the British Library
Amy Schumer asserts the moral right to be
identified as the author of this work
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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Sources ISBN: 9780008172374
Ebook Edition © August 2016 ISBN: 9780008172404
Version: 2017-11-10
For Kimby and Jasy
Contents
An Introduction to My Stuffed Animals
Excerpt from My Journal in 1994 (Age Thirteen) with Footnotes from 2016
Things You Don’t Know About Me
Excerpt from My Journal in 1999 (Age Eighteen) with Footnotes from 2016
Excerpt from My Journal in 2001 (Age Twenty) with Footnotes from 2016
Excerpt from My Journal in 2003 (Age Twenty-Two) with Footnotes from 2016
How to Become a Stand-up Comedian
Times It’s Okay for a Man to Not Make a Woman Come During Sex
Things That Make Me Insanely Furious
An Exciting Time for Women in Hollywood
The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow
What I Want People to Say at My Funeral
Rider for the Funeral of Amy Schumer
Hey, it’s me, Amy. I wrote a book! This is something I have wanted to do for a long time because I love making people laugh and feel better. Some of the stories you’ll read in here will be funny, like the time I shit myself in Austin, and some will make you feel a little blue, like the time my sister and I were almost sold into sex slavery in Italy. JK. Neither of these stories are in this book, even though both actually happened, unfortunately.
Speaking of, everything in this book really happened. It’s all true and nothing but the truth, so help me God. But it isn’t the whole truth. Believe it or not, I don’t tell you guys everything.
This book isn’t my autobiography. I will write one of those when I’m ninety. I just turned thirty-five, so I have a long way to go until I am memoir-worthy. But for now I wanted to share these stories from my life as a daughter, sister, friend, comedian, actor, girlfriend, one-night stand, employee, employer, lover, fighter, hater, pasta eater, and wine drinker.
I also want to clarify that this book has NO SELF-HELP INFO OR ADVICE FOR YOU. Over the last several years, I’ve been asked to write articles on topics like how to find a man. Or how to keep a man. Or how to rub a man’s taint at the right time. I don’t know how to do any of that stuff. I’m a flawed fuckup and I haven’t figured anything out, so I have no wisdom to offer you. But what I can help with is showing you my mistakes and my pain and my laughter. I know what’s important to me, and that is my family (not all of them, for Christ’s sake, just some of them). And getting to laugh and enjoy life with friends. And to, of course, have an orgasm once in a while. I find at least once a day is best.
So anyway, I hope you enjoy my book, and if you don’t, please don’t tell anyone.
Wish me luck!
First of all, I’m sorry. Second of all, you’re welcome.
I know I’ve put you through a lot. I’ve had hot wax poured on you and the hair ripped from you by strangers. Some of the strangers have burned you even though I told them you have very sensitive skin. But it’s on me for going to a shady-looking place in Astoria, Queens, that you thought may have been a drug front. I’ve been responsible for getting you yeast infections and UTIs and have worn stockings and Spanx for too long, knowing it could cause you problems. And I want to apologize for Lance on the lacrosse team, who treated you like you owed him money with his finger. That sucked, and I’m totally with you in being pissed. But you’ve also had a lot of nice visitors, right? Huh? You have to admit we’ve had a lot of fun together. I even fought to be able to call you “pussy,” which I know you prefer, on television.
