Let me out of here, you crazy old man!â Mack cried.
âYeâll neâer leaâ âere alive. Or at least ye wilnae be alive fur lang. Ha-ha-ha!â Which was Scottish, more or less, for, âYouâll never leave here alive. Or at least you wonât be alive for long. Ha-ha-ha!â
The Scots are known for butchering the English language and for their ingenuity with building things. The first steam engine? Scottish guy invented it. The first raincoat? A Scot invented that, too. The first television, telephone, bicycleâall invented by Scots.
Theyâre a very handy race.
And the first catapult designed to hurl a twelve-year-old boy from the top of the tallest tower in a castle notable for its tall towers? It turns out that, too, was invented by a Scot, and his name was William Blisterthöng MacGuffin.
The twelve-year-old boy in question was David MacAvoy. All his friends called him Mack, and so did William Blisterthöng MacGuffin, although they were definitely not friends.
âYe see, Mack, mah wee jimmy, whin ah cut thâ rope, they stones thare, whit we caâ thâ counterweight, drop ânâ yank this end doon while at thâ same time ye gang flying throâ thâ air.â
Mack did see this.
Actually the catapult was surprisingly easy to understand, although Mack had never been good at science. The catapult was shaped a little like a long-handled spoon that balanced on a backyard swing set. A rough-timbered basket full of massive granite rocks was attached to the short handle end of the spoon. The business end of the spoon, where it might have contained chicken noodle soup or minestrone, was filled with Mack.
Mack was tied up. He was a hog-tied little bundle of fear.
The spoon, er, catapult, had been cranked so that the rock end was in the air and the Mack end was down low. A rope held the Mack end downâa rope that twanged with the effort of holding all that weight in check. A rope whose short fibers were already popping out. A rope that looked rather old and frayed to begin with.
William Blisterthöng MacGuffin, a huge, burly, red-haired, red-bearded, red-eyebrowed, red-chest-haired, red-wrist-haired man in a plaid skirt1 held a broadsword that could, with a single sweeping motion, cut the rope. Which would allow the rocks to swiftly drag down the short end of the spoon while hurling Mack through the air.
âYe invaded mah privacy uninvited, ye annoying besom. And now yeâve drawn the yak oâ thâ Pale Queen, ye gowk!â
Or in decent, proper English, âYou invaded my privacy uninvited, you annoying brat. And now youâve drawn the eye of the Pale Queen, you ninny.â
How far could the catapult throw Mack? Well, a well-made catapult . . . actually, you know what? This particular kind of catapult is called a trebuchet. Treh-boo-shay. Letâs use the proper vocabulary out of respect for Mackâs imminent death.
A well-made trebuchet (this one looked pretty well made) can easily hurl 100 kilos (or approximately two Macks) a distance of 1,000 feet.
Letâs picture 1,000 feet, shall we? Itâs three football fields. Itâs just a little less than if you laid the Empire State Building down flat. Itâs long enough that if you started screaming at the moment of launch, youâd have time to scream yourself out, take a deep breath, check your messages, and scream yourself out again.
That would be pretty bad.
Unfortunately it got worse. The castle tower was about 300 feet tall. The castle itself sat perched precariously atop a spur of lichen-crusted rock that shot 400 feet above the surrounding land.
So letâs do the math. Three hundred feet plus 400 feet makes a 700-foot vertical drop. And the horizontal distance was about 1,000 feet.
At the end of all that math was a second ruined castle, which sat beside Loch Ness.
In Loch Ness was the Loch Ness monster. But Mack wouldnât be hitting the lake; heâd be hitting the stone walls of that second castle, Urquhart Castle. He would hit it so hard, his body would become part of the mortar between the stones of that castle.
âDae ye huv ony lest words tae say afore ah murdurr ye?â
âYes! I have last words to say before you murder me! Yes! My last words are: donât murder me!â
Mack could have used some magical words of Vargran. He was totally capable of speaking it. Totally.
If.
If Mack had taken some time to study what words of Vargran had been given to him and his friends. Sadly, when Mack might have been studying he rode the London Eye Ferris wheel instead. And the next time he could have been studying he downloaded a game on his phone instead and played Mage Gauntlet for six hours. And the next time . . . Well, you get the idea.