The Men Commandments
The Bible For Blokes From The Daddy Of Breakfast RadioForeword by James Nesbitt.Christian O’Connell has been a man nearly all his life. Well, once he was a boy, then he was a teenager, then a man, but you get what we mean. So who better to save manhood from devolving into one of those spineless newt things from the Guinness ad?For years women have had everyone from Germaine Greer to Bridget Jones to tell them how to be a woman, and who have men had? No one. That is, until now . . .For ten years Christian has dispensed wisdom and advice to millions of lucky radio listeners on every topic conceivable; but it was when he saw his wife reading, and laughing at, a book called “How to Kill your Husband”, that he realised he had to write this book.Men are confused about what it is to be a man in a world where men use moisturiser and eat sandwiches with rocket. They need help. The Men Commandments is a roadmap, a compass for men (not a sat nav - they’re evil!)With his outspoken humour and ironic take on life, Christian explores male-dom; celebrating all that is great about being a man and unravelling those mysteries of masculinity that have stumped women for literally minutes.Packed full of wisdom, advice, trivia and cheeky banter, this is the must have book for men everywhere.Includes:• The Man Quiz (a helpful quiz to establish real manliness)• The 78 genetic differences between men and women (work for which Christian is expecting a Nobel prize)• Manly Toilet Etiquette (real men do not speak at the urinals)• The History of Men (it says a lot about the psyche of Man that early Neanderthal paintings depict willies)• Men and their Mates (a relationship full of weird rituals, abuse and unspoken rules)• The Real First XI• The Men Commandments (the ten commandments that every true man needs to know)
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THE MEN COMMANDMENTS
THE BIBLE FOR BLOKES FROM THE DADDY OF BREAKFAST RADIO
CHRISTIAN O’CONNELL
To all the men. Past, present and future. This one’s for us.
CONTENTS
BY
JAMES NESBITT
‘What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals – and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?’
Shakespeare knew his onions. Four hundred and one years after Hamlet so deftly defined man’s complexities and insecurities, his pride and self-loathing, his capabilities for good and evil, we’re none the wiser. In fact, in 2008, this is much worse. Hamlet was jammy enough to die a hero. His dad was dead, though appeared once nightly as a ghost during the summer season. His mum married his uncle, so clearly they both had to die, he had sex with his girlfriend then mistakenly stabbed and killed her father, who was hiding behind the curtain, or ‘arras’ as Shakespeare called it – he obviously didn’t know his ‘arras’ from his elbow. She went mental before doing the decent thing of drowning herself before he had the ‘we need to talk’ nightmare, and then in his death throes after he had been pierced with a poison sword, his best mate Horatio held him in his arms and snogged him. Thus ensuring Hamlet died happy in the knowledge that he had tried everything.
But modern man. We have to live. Every day we have to live with ourselves, our partners, our children, our friends. And we don’t know how to. We’re scared. We’re lost. How did it come to this?
How did we arrive at a situation where we spend more on grooming products than we do on beer?
Why do our mates openly discuss their feelings while our wives debate the offside trap? Why, despite our embracing of liberal modernity, do we still have no control over the groin area?
If we publicly cry more than Charles Ingalls in an average episode of Little House on the Prairie, does it demonstrate how in touch we are with our feminine side or do we appear weak, pathetic nonces?
Why do our children change from adoring little angels to sulky ten-year-olds, embarrassed to even breathe? And why in God’s name at the age of 43 do I still suck my thumb? We need answers. Desperately.
For years women have had everyone from Mrs Beeton to Germaine Greer to Bridget Jones. Men have had no one. Until now.
Christian O’Connell looks like Jerry Seinfeld’s younger brother but with bigger teeth. And has a fondness for wearing muscle tops. Not an obvious candidate for our knight in shining armour, but don’t be fooled.
Our friendship is based on abuse. I listen while he abuses me. But I like to think it’s borne out of love. He is as at home in the company of women as he is in the company of men. He is funny, irreverent, scathing, at times coruscating but never cruel. Very much the modern man.
He has not, however, fallen prey to the dumbing-down culture which so pervades our society. Intelligent, kind and erudite, he is a devoted husband and father. But at heart he is a man’s man and is the answer to our prayers. With Christian, men can regain their identity and walk proud and tall. His wife’s man, his daughter’s man, his friend’s man, he’s my man. He’s Christian O’Connell.
Three things happened in a week that made me think I needed to write this book. First, my newspaper had a headline screaming ‘The Redundant Male’. Next was my wife’s sinister cackling while reading her new book, How to Kill Your Husband. The final insult was turning on the TV and seeing that advert for Sheilas’ Wheels offering cheaper car insurance for those oh so careful women drivers. Discrimination. And during Heartbeat.
ENOUGH.
At no other time in history have men been so openly ridiculed – and we have only ourselves to blame. We have never been so confused about how to be a man.
Sure, there are countless books offering insights into the female condition but precious few for men. Until now.
This book is about how we are as men. When we are alone. With our mates. With women. With the TV and movie heroes that have taught us everything we know.
I would like to make it crystal clear that this is not any kind of instruction manual: none of us would read it and I wouldn’t be sitting here writing it.
This is a book for men. These days it’s hard to tell who is a man and who isn’t. This handy quiz may help.
1 Instructions are for:ReadingLosers
2 Did you cry in Rocky III when Apollo died?Who is Rocky and what is Apollo?For days
3 You are invited to attend the motion picture Sex and the City by your other half. Do you:Happily say you’d love to go. Two and a half hours with the fab four sounds like heaven!Say, ‘I’d rather rub a cheese grater across my scrotum’
