New Yearâs resolutions:
* Find Tracey a great boyfriend
* Make a choice about my hair: straight or curly, because wavy just isnât working
* Cure cereal addiction (possibly through hypnotherapyâsee Yellow Pages)
* Write more blogs for the Oracle of Dating Web site, give lots of dating advice, make stacks of $$$ and quit job at Hellhole
* Take the Oracle of Dating to the next level!!!
YOU MIGHT THINK that September is a weird time to be making New Yearâs resolutions. Well, Mom never accused me of doing anything on time, especially tidying my room, loading the dishwasher or Swiffering the kitchen.
âI donât see how you ended up with an eighty average last year, Kayla,â Mom says. âYouâre always chatting online or on the phone.â
Which implies that I am not being productive.
The truth is, she has no idea what Iâm really up to.
Brrrrinnnggg!
I clear my throat and answer, âThe Oracle of Dating.â
âItâs client number zero-two-four.â
âSabrina?â
âYou remember me!â
âI do. What can the Oracle do for you?â I scoot over to my computer and open up my PayPal account to see that her five-dollar payment has been received.
âItâs about this guy, Shawn, Iâm dating. I hate going out in public with him.â
A case of total butt ugly, perhaps?
âWhyâs that, Sabrina?â
âHe always embarrasses me somehow. Like when we went to the school dance Friday night, he was dancing like a maniac. Everybody was staring at him.â
âHeâs a really bad dancer?â
âThe worst. Itâs not just that. Wherever we go, he says or does something dumb. But when weâre alone, heâs really sweet!â
âMmm-hmm.â Listening noises are very important.
âWhat do you think I should do?â
âHave you talked to him about this?â
âYeah, but he doesnât get it.â
âI have another question for you, Sabrina. Do you love him?â
âI wouldnât go that far. Weâve only been dating for a couple of months.â
âWhy not find a guy who wouldnât embarrass you in public?â
âItâs not so easy getting a boyfriend. Heâs only the second one Iâve ever had.â
As I well know. Sabrinaâs been calling me to discuss every crush and flirtation in the past six months.
âAsk yourself this. Are you with him because you really like him, or because you like having a boyfriend?â
âEr, maybe the second thing.â
âHow would you feel if he answered the question the same way?â
âI wouldnât like it.â She sighs. âI guess I have to break up with him?â
I lift the phone away from my ear and pound a tune into my little xylophone.
âThe Oracle has spoken.â
âThank you, Oracle. I know itâs the right thing to do.â
âGood night, Sabrina.â
I KNOW WHAT YOUâRE thinking. What makes me such an expert on dating? Have I had lots of boyfriends?
Um, no.
There have only been two, and both were disasters. But Iâve learned from each one, and now I think of them, with total detachment, as Case Study No. 1 and Case Study No. 2. I even made retrospective notes.
Case Study No. 1: 9th Grade, November.
Lead-up to relationship: weeks of note-writing and flirting, a subtle ass-grab at a school dance and a kiss behind the portables.
Relationship length: one month.
Activities: playing video games, kissing in his basement, playing more video games.
Conflict: He often wouldnât answer the phone because he didnât want to interrupt his video game. His gaming addiction resulted in a thumb injury for which medical care was required, and he was unable to hold my hand due to a thumb splint.
Outcome: He didnât see me as a girlfriend, he saw me as a gaming partner, make-out buddy and occasional history tutor. So I gave him an ultimatum: âWhat do you care about more, me or your video games?â He answered: âTheyâre my thing. Iâm a gamer, babe.â Babe?
Case Study No. 2: 10th Grade, March.
Lead-up to relationship: I met him at a party. He remembered my name and added me on Facebook. We chatted online for a couple of weeks before he finally asked me out.
Conflict: None. He was totally sweet. Or so I thought.
Outcome: After three weeks of going out and making out, he changed his Facebook picture to one of him kissing another girl. ALL of our friends saw this. I called him immediately: âAre you trying to tell me something?â He answered: âSorry, I didnât know how else to say it.â
My two boyfriend disasters only confirmed what I already knew: teenage guys are less mature than teenage girls. Therefore, if I want to date my equal, I should date a guy who is at least twenty, which I would never do, because what sort of twenty-year-old would want to date someone still in high school?
It wouldâve helped a lot to have someone to talk to during those relationships; someone nonjudgmental and anonymous like the Oracle of Dating would have been perfect. I never laugh at a clientâs concerns or get too preachy. I wish I couldâve given myself better advice at the time, but itâs hard to see clearly when youâre emotionally involved.