How is it that a man who holds the beliefs that ‘the Chinese don’t age well’ and that ‘gays go out too late’ can be so likeable?
Because he’s an idiot.
He says what he thinks without malice – it’s just that he doesn’t think before he says it.
Received wisdom says there’s a fine line between a genius and an idiot. Not true. Karl’s an idiot, plain and simple. Very simple. Some people have proclaimed him a genius, but they’re idiots.
I first met Karl when Steve and I were hosting a radio show. We needed someone to press the buttons and they gave us Karl. The first time he opened his mouth it was like we’d discovered a magic lamp. If you rubbed it, magical twaddle came out. (I never rubbed it, although I did squeeze its head in between records. It was the roundest head I’d ever seen and still is.)
This book contains some of the beliefs and theories that have cropped up in conversations between myself, Steve Merchant and Karl over the years.
Is Karl an idiot? I’ll keep out of it. You make your own mind up.
But if you think he’s a genius, you’re an idiot.
Ricky Gervais
London, June 2006
Karl by Ricky
Steve: What do you make of the first genetically modified baby? Are you worried about this?
Karl: Do you know what they do?
Ricky: Isn’t it just choosing the eye colour or something?
Steve: Well this is the concern, isn’t it, that in the future you will be able to decide whether it’s a boy or a girl, how intelligent it is, what it looks like, is it handsome, is it ugly? Obviously no one would choose an ugly baby and so on and so on. So where will it end? Are you concerned?
Karl: We’ve talked about the cloning thing a bit before, ain’t we, and how it’s a bit weird?
Ricky: Yes.
Karl: I don’t think it matters because at the end of the day you might look like some other kid but it’s the way that you’re brought up that will change your features and your personality.
Ricky: If you lie you get a long nose, don’t you?
Karl: No, but listen, right, ’cos I remember when I was growing up on the estate …
Ricky: This is gonna be good.
Karl: So I’m growing up on this estate and there was this woman about four houses down who was a bit rough.
Ricky: Go on …
Karl: They didn’t clean up much right, and even if you haven’t got a lot of money you can still try and make the place look nice.
Ricky: Get some Jif, yeah.
Karl: Right, but she didn’t. Her kid used to take a horse into the house.
Ricky: Sorry?
Steve: Woah woah woah.
Ricky: Woah, Neddy, woah. What do you mean, ‘her kid used to take a horse into the house’? Where did they get the horse?
Karl: Must of nicked it from somewhere.
Steve: What, from outside the saloon round the corner?
Ricky: Did ‘Big Jake’ come looking for it?
Steve: So let me get this right. Was this before the lynching or after?
Ricky: Where did he get a horse from? What do you mean, ‘he must of nicked it’? His mum is saying, ‘Where did you get that from?’, he says, ‘I’ve bought it’, she goes, ‘Oh alright then, but keep it out of the kitchen.’
Steve: ‘And I don’t want you going cattle rustling …’
Ricky: Where did he get a horse from and how long did he have it for? Was he leading it or riding it? ‘Mam, quick, open the door, I can’t stop, looks like we’ve got us a runaway …’ What do you mean?
Karl: I’m just saying I don’t think they could of afforded to buy one ’cos they’re not cheap, so I’m just guessing. Maybe that’s wrong of me.
Steve: He had a horse! That’s why the family didn’t have any money. They had a horse!