Divorced and Deadly
A light-hearted and comic romp from the nation’s favourite storyteller and author of The Loner.Footloose, fancy free and ready to get back in the game, newly divorced Ben is back home with mum which is just where she wants him. But best mate Dickie has other ideas, and soon they are sharing a flat, up to all sorts and plotting Ben's future romantic adventures.But being single isn't all it's cracked up to be.Ben staggers from one disaster to another – all under the beady gaze of his ex, who may not want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him either! And then there's Ben's co-worker Poppy, who seems very interested in his escapades too – could she have plans of her own?Laugh-out-loud funny and based on true stories that you just couldn't make up, Divorced and Deadly is the perfect feel-good read.
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Divorced and Deadly
Finally Free!
Josephine Cox
Published by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF
Published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2009
FIRST EDITION
Copyright © Josephine Cox 2009
Josephine Cox asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EBook Edition © NOVEMBER 2009 ISBN: 9780007343706
Version: 2017-08-10
With much gratitude to everyone who has ever made me laugh out loud, or told me a funny story that would not go away.
The original idea for this story came when I went to pick my sister up one day. As I turned into her cul-de-sac, I was amazed to see the corner house smothered from top to bottom in huge banners of every colour and description—complete with a massive photograph of a woman in the centre, her fist triumphantly in the air, and a caption saying:
Newly Divorced And Up For Anything!
It got me thinking about all the people I know who’ve been divorced, where there might be a stalker who can’t let go, or one of the party demands everything but the kitchen sink. When new relationships start and jealousy rears its ugly head, the ensuing bitterness can often create unforeseen circumstances, some tragic, some unbelievably funny. My own life, and my set of friends and family were a powerful inspiration for Ben’s uproarious account of life after divorce.
I have drawn on the hilarious incidents that happen in real life, to real people, in real situations. At first I put snippets on the website as a temporary relief from life’s hardships, a laugh a day to keep the doctor away. But, people loved it! They were signing up in great numbers, and so the publishers in their wisdom decided it must be lengthened into a book, and here it is!
In Divorced and Deadly, you’ll meet a bunch of characters; some you want to strangle, others you want as your best friend, and some will make you laugh out loud in a crowd, on a train, or just walking along the street.
Divorced and Deadly comes straight out of life; mine included, because anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m a poor diva who causes chaos and destruction wherever I go! I’ve also got a wicked and vivid imagination, which produced my two crazy, hopeless characters: Ben Buskin, who writes the diary, and his hapless friend, Dickie Manse brains-in-his-pants.
Many thanks to my unsuspecting friends and my wonderful, crazy family; not forgetting all the poor innocents I’ve sat opposite on a train or a bus. I’ve been the fly on the wall, recording every hilarious minute.
So enjoy! I’ve got files of laughter and details of amazing antics that will make you cry with frustration and laugh ‘til you ache. So never fear, because there’s more to come! And who knows you might even recognise yourself in there!
Table of Contents
On The Road September, Saturday
Blackpool September, Sunday Night
BEN’S DIARY
I’m 36 years old; handsome and fit, with a shock of rich, dark hair and a pair of kissing lips to die for. I’m not as tall as I’d like to be, nor am I rippling with chest muscles. But I reckon I’m a dead-ringer for Hugh Grant, (only I do believe I’m a far better actor than he is, on account of I played a hippo in All Creatures Great and Small in the school play. Anyone with brains knows how difficult it is to play a demanding role!).
So, having explained what a real catch I am—will someone please tell me why it is that today my divorce became absolute and I’m out in the cold?
The dreaded Laura doesn’t want me any more, but doesn’t want anyone else to have me, so now the women who are aching to make a play for me are all too nervous to make the first move, in case Laura rips out their eyes. The plain truth is (though it rankles me to say this) I have been well and truly dumped! And to be honest I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or starve the cat for a day…actually no, scrub that last one. (Like all felines, she can be vicious. The last thing I need right now, is for her to leap on me claws out, from a great height.)
