I would like to thank Kim, Heidi, Kate, JB, Erin, Susan, Shaz, Charlotte, Dizzy C, Nikki and Tobi for valued feedback and support - love you guys. Also Richard for two amazing Gayatri mantra workshops and answering my many questions - thank you. To Mandy for constant support and advice - my mentor! Last, but not least, to Lawrence for being my rock â¦
I have no idea exactly when I began seeing angels, but I canât seem to remember a time when I couldnât. It feels like itâs always been a part of my life. Itâs as natural as breathing and, yes, there are times when I wish that wasnât the case. I seriously doubt anyone would choose to get drawn into something they donât really understand. Why would they?
Iâve read books of course, and talked to many people who think they know how it all works. When I say âitâ I mean life after death, or whatever exists beyond the here and now. What I have found is a very diverse range of opinions, often given out as if they are factual and with a belief so strong that it seems unshakeable. And thatâs true whether the person is an adamant sceptic, or a believer. The point is â how can anyone know for sure until itâs their turn to follow the light into what lies beyond?
As I stir my cappuccino, the heart-shaped chocolate powder begins to melt into a swathe of pale brown trails. It strikes me that itâs a good analogy â when something you see is not what it seems. One moment it appears to be something of substance and in a flash itâs gone. Itâs the same with my angels: almost real but not quite. I may be able to see them at times, but itâs always merely seconds before they disappear.
âPenny for your thoughts.â Sebâs voice breaks my reverie.
I look up at him. âIâm thinking about angels.â
âOh, Iâd hoped it was something more⦠normal.â He closes the conversation before it has even begun and I realise that my wonderful brother is simply out of his depth. It leaves me feeling guilty again. Why do I keep doing this to myself and to other people? Havenât I been slapped in the face often enough to know that people loathe the word âangelsâ. It reminds them of death: of loved ones lost and another world that only exists in fantasy.
Except, of course, I know better.
âSo,â I try to keep my voice upbeat and pretend Iâm not disappointed heâs failed the test again, âwhy an autumn wedding?â
âAnna has found her perfect dress for the day and itâs red. Her heart is set on it and she wants the guys to wear Scottish kilts,â he smirks.
âBut thereâs no Scottish blood in our family,â I point out.
âNo, true, although Anna says her great-grandfatherâs second cousin was a Laird.â We burst out laughing at exactly the same moment and say in unison, âMega!â Typical of the link we have as non-identical twins who are in tune on many levels, but so opposite in other ways. Iâve never felt that we struggle to assert our own identities though and I like to think Seb feels the same way.
âAnd based on that tenuous link youâll be seeking someone to pipe you in I suppose?â I canât resist teasing him, but Iâm simply masking my concern. I hate myself for the sense of âknowingâ that I canât shake off. Sheâs going to hurt him, more than anyone has ever done in the past and heâs going to crumble.
âHow did you guess?â he quips, and I chuckle at the thought of someone piping my brother up the aisle. He has hairy legs, knobbly knees, and thinks that all Scotland has to offer is some amazing mountains to climb.
âWell, at least tell me youâre going to Scotland for your honeymoon,â I reply. He shakes his head.
âNo, California. Anna wants to do the Hollywood walk of fame.â