By the HOGGY DOGGIES, BILLY the Doberman and MOLLY the Border Collie
BILLY: So what’s all this about, then?
MOLLY: Apparently, this is the bit of a book where important people or animals are asked to say nice things about the bloke on the front cover.
BILLY: About him? Why I should say nice things about him? All he ever does is shout at me.
MOLLY: That’s because you play too rough half the time, Billy, and you don’t do as you’re told.
BILLY: Whenever I try to play with you, you don’t give me the time of day. You can be a cantankerous old bitch sometimes.
MOLLY: You forget that I’m an old lady. If I was five years younger, I’d still be able to run rings round you.
BILLY: Like to see you try. Anyway, I still don’t see why I should be so nice about the bloke. What does he ever do for us?
MOLLY: He takes us for lots of long walks.
BILLY: I’ll give him that.
MOLLY: Even when it’s raining. And he feeds us most of the time.
BILLY: Well, yes, you’ve got a point. Sometimes I want to bite him, but I’m worried that the walks and the food might stop if I do. Shall we gang up on him and both bite him?
MOLLY: He’s in charge, Billy boy, whether we like it or not.
BILLY: But if he’s so tough and reckons he’s top dog, why does he always send me outside first if he hears a noise in the garden? I can never understand that.
MOLLY: Strange creatures, these humans, Billy. I’m still trying to work them out.
BILLY: They must be strange if they want to read a book about him. What’s so interesting about him?
MOLLY: Apparently he’s quite good at some weird game they play. They throw a red ball, someone hits it and they chase it around a field. It goes on for hours.
BILLY: Well, I chase a ball around a field with him all the time and I’m much better at it than him. This book should be all about me.
MOLLY: I’m inclined to agree with you, Billy. But like I said, he’s in charge.
BILLY: He talks a load of rubbish as well. He makes up words of his own that nobody else ever uses, words like ‘ridonculous’.
MOLLY: Yes, I’ve always wondered what that means. Any ideas?
BILLY: Haven’t got a clue. Do you think they’re all as odd as him?
MOLLY: I very much doubt it.
Go on, admit it, you turned to the photo pages first, didn’t you?
Before I had the chance to say even a word in my defence, you plunged straight into the middle of the book to check out my dodgy haircuts from when I was younger. Don’t worry, though; everybody does it, me included. Those embarrassing old photos are sometimes the best bit of the book, aren’t they? I tried to get the publishers to let me have a book full of pictures, but they insisted I put a few words in here as well. Sorry about that.
Anyway, at least you have now made it as far as my first page. I bet there are some buggers who’ll pick up the book in a shop, have a quick look at the dodgy photos, then put the book back down again with no intention whatsoever of buying it. I’m thinking of putting on a disguise one day and spending a few hours hanging out in a bookshop to see how many people do that.
When we first started talking about writing a book, it was suggested that I should try to give the reader a feel for what it would be like to sit next to me in the England dressing-room. That’s what these books are supposed to do, I was told; to give a flavour of what it is