Making Divorce Work: In 9 Easy Steps

DO YOU WANT THE GOOD NEWS OR THE BAD NEWS?

THE BAD NEWS IS YOU’RE SPLITTING UP …

THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU’RE SPLITTING UP!

NO, I HAVEN’T MADE A MISTAKE;

THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

INTRIGUED?

YOU WILL BE…

I KNOW I AM.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Keith Barret. I am a divorced man. I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.

You may not realize it yet but if you are reading this book you are embarking upon one of life’s great adventures. In a sense I envy you.

I’ve called this book Making Divorce Work, but you needn’t feel left out if you never actually married and all you’ve done is simply split up with the love of your life, common law spouse, live-in lover, partner, significant other or soul mate. Don’t worry. This book is about failure in all its many forms and I’m sure it applies just as easily to you.

“So what?” if you’re happily married, “So what?” if you’re not divorced… What is the opening salvo of any divorce? That’s right, the wedding! So even if you’re in the happiest place you’ve ever been and you think your marriage is rock solid, don’t worry, any way you look at it you’re on the first step towards divorce.

There we are,

D I V O R C E

…That word again. It makes some people wince. Why? Divorce. Divorce, divorce, divorce… You say it’s an ending, I say it’s a fresh start. Is the glass half full or half empty? If you’re a man who’s recently divorced, the chances are you don’t have any glasses left, certainly not the crystal stuff, so come on and join me in raising a beaker to the future!

But before you do, let’s first take a very important step together as we begin our journey. May I ask you a question? When was the last time you had an eye test? That’s right, an eye test! A year ago? A week ago? This morning? It really doesn’t matter. Regardless of your answer I’m going to put on my optician’s hat (they don’t have hats do they …? They have those straps with a big-hinged silver disc at the end. Fine, I’ll put that on) and prescribe you a new pair of spectacles. But these are no ordinary glasses that you can pick up for next to nothing at SpecSavers, nor are they a fancy designer pair of Jeff Banks’s from Vision Express, no, they’re magic glasses and the good news is they’re free. Free on the NKS, the National Keith Service!

It’s a bit of fun.

That’s right, they’re not actual glasses at all, they’re just a way of looking at the world, at life as it goes on around us, a device for getting across my philosophy I did consider using the more modern and “on message” metaphor of contact lenses but decided against it as of course with contact lenses you have to take them out at the end of the day and soak them in the bathroom for no less than four hours. I know that you have to take off your glasses also, but the difference is that you can leave them close at hand on the bedside table as you sleep, safe in the knowledge that they’re nearby should you need to look at anything in the dark.

So, glasses it is then! But what sort of glasses do I mean? Not rose-tinted ones, that’s for sure! I’m a realist, living in the real world, so my glasses need to be real too, so no rose tinting. No, what they are is rose scented, so while you see clearly, you’re getting the real genuine picture, you’re also smelling a lovely scent of roses! Just like an up-market toilet freshener hanging under your nose. I’ll be handing you these glasses throughout the book when I want you to see something in a different way. Let’s put them on now …

Let’s take the word “divorce”. In her popular song “D.I.VO.R.C.E”, country star Tammy Wynette broke the word down into its constituent parts, or letters, coming up with a series of words beginning with each letter. I forget the actual words she came up with and for that I apologize; I had the song on a CD, The Golden Rhinestone Ladies of Contemporary and Classic Country, but so far have failed to lay my hands on it… Rest assured though that they, the words, were all rather downbeat and sad. The song was a massive hit all around the globe, earning Tammy millions to spend on saddles, but think how much bigger it could have been if she had put, as Tony Blair might say, “a positive spin” on it. If only she’d popped into my opticians for a check-up I could have kitted her out with some special, leather-trimmed Country and Western style glasses!