What Women Want Men To Know

I wrote this book for you, and for the man you love. I believe that it is a book every woman has always wished existed, a book she could give to her mate that would effectively explain all the things she wanted him to know about loving her. “Read this,” she would say, “and you will understand me.”

How many times have I myself wished for such a book: times when it was clear that, once again, I had failed to successfully convey my needs to my partner; times when, no matter how hard I tried, I could not convince him that if only he would make one small gesture or handle a situation a bit differently, things would be so much easier between us; times when my attempt to communicate what I wanted and why it was important to me resulted in him concluding that I was simply too needy rather than being motivated to do something that would make me happy. In these, and so many other moments, I would sigh, as all women have undoubtedly sighed for thousands of years, and wish there was some way I could get through to him, some way to make him understand.

If you are a woman reading this, you know this sigh well. It is the sigh that whispers, “I just want him to care enough to really see who I am.” It is the primal need to be known, to be valued, to be accepted just as you are. Of course, we all have tasted this experience of another soul truly knowing ours. Ironically, it is the bond we have with other women – our girlfriends, our sisters, our colleagues – where the very kind of deep comprehension of who we are and what we are trying to say happens effortlessly, and almost instantaneously.

Does the following story sound familiar?

You are sitting across from a girlfriend at lunch, and early on in the conversation you start to explain a problem you are having in your relationship, or something your mate did that upset you. Within moments of your initial remarks, your friend seems to understand exactly what you mean. She nods her head sympathetically, shows concern for all the right issues, and even finishes your sentences with the perfect words. And as you look at her gratefully, something inside you sighs with relief and exclaims: “YES! That’s exactly how it is … You know just how I am feeling!”

The conversation continues, and within ten minutes, you and your girlfriend have agreed on solutions to a whole list of issues that you and your husband have argued over, with no resolution, for ten years. You’re amazed at how effortless the discussion is, how completely she comprehends your emotions, your reactions, your needs. You shake your head in frustration, knowing that if you try to bring up these same topics with your mate, his response will be quite different: thinly veiled irritation; eye-rolling; sighs of weary exasperation; and numb, emotionless stares, as if you were not speaking English but Swahili, so therefore he has no idea what you are talking about!

As you finish your lunch, you thank your friend for being so supportive. And then you say the words that, at some point, we have all found ourselves saying to other women in our lives: “If only my husband could understand me like you do …! It’s too bad that you’re a woman – otherwise we’d be perfect for each other!” And your friend nods in agreement, for once again, she understands exactly what you mean …

After countless experiences like this one, after decades of working with men and women trying to help them understand one another, it was time for me to write What Women Want Men to Know. Actually, people have been asking me to write a book like this for over ten years. Ever since 1990, when I wrote my first bestseller, Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know, women and men as well have begged me to create its counterpart –