Withering Tights
The misadventures of Tallulah Casey…Hilarious series from Queen of Teen – laugh your tights off at the (VERY) amateur dramatic antics of Talullah and her bonkers mates. Boys, snogging and bad acting guaranteed!Picture the scene: Dother Hall performing arts college somewhere Up North, surrounded by rolling dales, bearded cheesemaking villagers (male and female) and wildlife of the squirrely-type.On the whole, it’s not quite the showbiz experience Tallulah was expecting… but once her mates turn up and they start their ‘FAME! I’m gonna liiiiive foreeeeeever, I’m gonna fill my tiiiiights’ summer course things are bound to perk up.Especially when the boys arrive. (When DO the boys arrive?)Six weeks of parent-free freedom. BOY freedom. Freedom of expression… cos it’s the THEATRE dahling, theatre!!
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Withering Tights
Louise Rennison
the misadventures of Tallulah Casey
To all the Yorkshire heroes and hero-esses, the Cock and family,Leeds United past and present, Mum, Dad, sister, all cousinsand second cousins forty-times removed, nieces, grandparents,great-grandparents (with particular thanks for the hiddly diddlydiddly), Big Fat Bobbins and the Wilsons (particularly Mae,Queen of the tripe stall), Kaiser Chiefs. And of course to theinventors of Withering Tights, Em, Chazza and Anne Brontëxxxxxxxx
Special thanks to Clare, Gillon, Cassie and all the other big palsat Aitken Alexander. I promise I am going home now. Deepestlove and gratitude to Gillie â my editor â I also promise I amgoing home now. And to Lizzie â my editor â I am, I am reallygoing home now.
Contents
CHAPTER 1 On the showbiz express
CHAPTER 3 Your feet will bleed
CHAPTER 4 I donât think I can go a whole thummer without boyth
CHAPTER 5 Into the bosoms of the Dother ship
CHAPTER 7 He had everything a dream boy should have
CHAPTER 8 Iâm not an Irish dancing broom
CHAPTER 9 I want to live! I want to live!
CHAPTER 10 Lying in my squirrel room
CHAPTER 11 Night of the Vampire Bats
CHAPTER 13 âJust call me Fox. Blaise Fox.â
CHAPTER 14 Dance of the Sugar Plum Bikey
CHAPTER 15 Heâs like a wild animal
CHAPTER 16 Heathcliff, itâs me
CHAPTER 17 âGet your ears on, dudes!â
Iâve come to Yorkshire by mistakeChugging towards Dother Hall
Wow. This is it. This is me growing up. On my own, going to Performing Arts College. This is goodbye Tallulah, you long, gangly thing and helloooooo Lullah, star of stage andâ¦owwwwooo. Ow and ow.
The train lurched and Iâve nearly knocked myself out on the side of the door. Iâm bound to get a massive lump. Oh good, I can start college with two headsâ¦
In my brochure it has a picture of a big manor house and on the front it says:
Dother Hall, world-renowned for its excellence in the Arts. This magnificent centre of artistry is set amongst the beautiful Yorkshire Dales. With its friendly northern folk offering a warm welcome to visitors, think Wuthering Heights but with less moaning!
Iâve been looking over the top of my brochure at the bloke opposite. He is the grumpiest man in the universe probably.
Heâs got no hair on his head, but he has loads of red hair shooting out of his ears. Like there are a couple of red squirrels nesting in there. Which would be quite good actually, as they are an endangered species.
His wife said to him, âOooh look, Fred, the sunâs coming out.â
And he said, âIt can please its bloody self.â
Is this what Yorkshire folk are like?
I wonder if anyone is missing me at home?
I wonder if they are saying, âWhere is Tallulah?â
I think I know the answer to that question, and it is, âWho?â
Connor will just move into my bedroom and make it smelly and then leave.
It will be next week before my grandma notices that my egg-cup hasnât been used. When I tried to explain to her that I was going to performing arts college in Yorkshire for the summer, she said, âWill you bring a trifle back?â
Maybe she thought I said I was going to Marks and Spencers for the summer.
Mum didnât comment because as usual she wasnât there. Sheâs gone to Norway to paint.
Not peopleâs houses. Sheâs doing her art.
When I stayed over with cousin Georgia, I asked her what sort of painting the Norwegians did and she said, âItâs mostly sledges.â
I thought she meant they painted sledges a lot, but she said, âNo, my not-so-little cousy, they paint WITH sledges.â
She said the official term for that kind of work was âSled-werkâ, and that it was one of the reasons why Norwegians had such big arms and had therefore become Vikings (for the rowing). And that if I dropped âSled-werkâ into a conversation at art college, people would be impressed and not notice my kneesâ¦
Georgia knows a lot of stuff. Not just about painting, but about life. And boys. She wears a bra. Itâs a big one. She showed me her special disco inferno dancing and her lady bumps were jiggling quite a lot.
I wish I wore a bra. And jiggled.
Itâs so boring being fourteen and a half.
Sheâs nice to me, but I know she thinks Iâm just a kid.
When I left she gave me her âspecialâ comedy moustache. Sheâs grown out of it and thought it would suit me. She said, âAlways remember, Lullah, if in doubt, get your moustache out.â
I do love Georgia and wish I lived near her. I havenât got a sister and itâs not the same having a brother. Connor mostly likes to talk about what heâs going to kick next.
And that I am like a daddy long-legs in a skirt.
And how he could win a kicking contest with a daddy long-legs.
Is that normal in a boy?
Well, all will be revealed when I start my new life at Dother Hall.
Georgiaâs also given me a secret note to read on my first day at college. She says she will write to me. But will she?
