Sunday September 18th 9:00 a.m. Why. Oh why oh why?
9:02 a.m. Why me?
9:03 a.m. And Iâll just say this. Why?
9:04 a.m. One minute, I am the girlfriend of a Luuurve God, skipping around like a Sex Kitty on kittykat tablets and the next minute I am at Poo College, in Pooford. Doing a degree in Poonosity and Merde.
9:10 a.m. Masimo, my Pizza-a-gogo Luuurve God, stropped off with the megahump last night. Not even stopping to say goodbye-io, or whatever they say in Pizza-a-gogo land. I may never know now.
9:12 a.m. Why? Why oh why oh why?
9:13 a.m. Just because I did a bit of harmless twisting with Dave the Laugh at the Stiff Dylans gig.
Thatâs all.
9:15 a.m. Is doing the twist such a crime?
Why would you get the Humpty Dumpty about that?
9:16 a.m. I wouldnât mind, but he doesnât even know about the accidental snogging Dave the Laugh in the forest of red-bottomosity incident. Which I will never be mentioning this side of the grave.
9:17 a.m. If he gets the numpty about a bit of twisting, what number on the Having the Hump Scale would he get to for accidental snogging?
9:18 a.m. Perhaps Masimo has only got the overnight hump with me and he will be calling me soon.
9:30 a.m. Oh joy unbounded. My vati has come barging into MY room. Which to be frank isnât big enough for him and his bottom.
I am pretending to be asleep.
Thirty seconds later The gros vater said, âQuickly, quickly rise and shine.â
I said, âErmâ¦Vatiâ¦it is Vati, isnât it? Can you go away and I will pretend I havenât noticed you breaking into my room without permission. Which incidentally you will never get. Goodbye.â
He came over and ruffled my hair, which is technically assault. I could get on the blower to ChildLine.
Dad was still going on and on in his dadtastic way. As he ripped back my curtains, nearly blinding me, he was rubbing his hands together and saying, âCome on, letâs have some family fun. Put your wellies on-weâre off to the bird sanctuary.â
That woke me up. He is deffo getting madder by the minute. And also he is wearing tight jeans. Surely there is some sort of law about that.
I said, âDad, I am far too busy to go and look at budgies. Besides, I have seen one.â
He didnât take any notice and went off. âIâll be revving up the funmobile. See you in five.â
He was whistling âSex bomb, sex bomb, Iâm a sex bombâ. Pornographic whistling. I will probably be scarred for life.
Five minutes later Oh, the embarrassmentosity of having a dad. He is revving up his clown âcarâ. It sounds like a fat bloke revving up a sewing machine. Which it is really. He has painted a racing stripe down the side of his three-wheeled Reliant Robin. Even Grandad overtook the clown car the other day, and he wasnât even on his bike. He was just walking quite briskly. That is how pathetico the Robinmobile is.
One minute later Anyway, how can I be expected to go look at budgies when I may once more be a dumpee on the rack of luuurve.
Four minutes later Mum came mumming in.
I said, âBefore you start, Iâm not coming to look at budgies and that is le fact.â
She said, âHang on a minute, what are you doing here?â