Copyright
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Childrenâs Books in 2016
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Nathalia Buttface and the Totally Embarrassing Bridesmaid Disaster Text copyright © Nigel Smith, 2016 Illustrations © Sarah Horne, 2016
Nigel Smith and Sarah Horne assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work.
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Source ISBN: 9780008167097 Ebook Edition © 2016 ISBN: 9780008167103 Version: 2016-02-15
âDad, Iâm not coming out of the changing rooms and Iâm not even joking and this wedding is utter pants and I hardly even know my lame cousin and bridesmaids are all rank and I LOOK TOTALLY STUPID and anyway Iâm not doing it,â said Nat.
Ever so loudly.
Dad looked at the sour-faced lady who ran DREAM BRIDES LTD â a hot and cramped little dress shop above a newsagents on the high street. He gave her what he hoped was a charming smile. She wasnât charmed one little bit. Her face, which was stony to begin with, hardened to granite.
âShe doesnât have to shout,â said the lady, who was called Dolly Crumble and who was almost lost among the sickly pink and curdled cream and violently violet fluffy, frilly frocks that filled her little boutique.
âThatâs not shouting,â said Dad, whose voice was muffled by some kind of purple velvet thing that was apparently a really important bit of a bridesmaid outfit and seemed to be attacking him. âWhen she was a baby and was hungry or had wet herself, THEN she shouted. You should have heard it.â
âShuddup, Dad,â shouted Nat from the changing room. Billowing pink material surrounded her. It looked like she was being consumed by a possessed blancmange.
Dad didnât shuddup.
âWhen baby Nathalia started yelling in the car, people thought a fire engine was going past. It was great â everyone else on the road got out of the way. I lost count of how many cars drove into lamp posts.â
âNobody cares, Dad,â shouted Nat.
âAre you ready to come out yet?â asked Dolly Crumble. âOnly youâve been in there twenty minutes and this is the SIXTH Perfect Fairy Princess dress you have tried on.â
âThatâs because theyâre all horrible,â wailed Nat. âThey all look like vomit.â
âSuch language,â said the dressmaker, glaring at Dad as if he was to blame. âI hope sheâs going to be a better behaved young lady on the big day.â She sniffed in a superior way and hoisted up her enormous bosom.
âA wedding is the most precious day in any womanâs life. It is, you might say, the best moment of her entire life.â
âRubbish,â said Nat. âThereâs tons of things better than a soppy wedding. Thereâs getting to number one in the charts or winning Celebrity All-Star Cook-Off or climbing Mount Everest or getting an Oscar or a Nobel Prize or an Olympic medal or going into space orââ
âYes, well, not many girls will do those things,â interrupted Dolly Crumble, âbut all girls can get married.â
âIf everyone can do it, that doesnât make it very special then, does it?â argued Nat. There was a stony silence, like a big, gaping dark hole. Dad jumped into it. With both feet.