The Devious Book for Cats: Cats have nine lives. Shouldn’t they be lived to the fullest?
Cats once were proud, shrewd, independent animals who lived life on our own terms. But then came a life of domestication, comfort and free health care. And now cats are in danger of losing our sense of adventure completely. Fluffy and Bonkers say it's time to fight back and regain control of your rightful place as ruler of the roost once again.Cats once ruled the alleys, galleys and the valleys. Rodents trembled in fear. Birds steered clear. Cats took chances. Some lived fast and died young… We were on the prowl.But then came a life of domestication that was simply too good to pass up. Humans gave us everything we desired, from ear massages and shelter from the rain to cuddle sessions and free health care. In return, they were permitted to bask in the majesty of our presence. It seemed like a fair trade.Or was it? Has domesticity really been good for cats? What has become of our sense of adventure, our sense of independence? Did you know that because of boredom and indolence, the average feline today uses up a mere 2-3 of its 9 lives?Fluffy and Bonkers think its time to get out of the comfortable back seat of life and regain control of your destiny. They created this manual to teach discerning cats how to wake up a human when they want to get fed, how to stare like a pro, how to carry yourself in a catfight and - most importantly - how to get away with practically anything. With The Devious Book for Cats you can return to the noble creature you once were and assume your rightful place as the ruler of your household once again.
Читать The Devious Book for Cats: Cats have nine lives. Shouldn’t they be lived to the fullest? онлайн беплатно
The Devious Book
for Cats
Fluffy and Bonkers
With the Assistance of
Joe Garden, Janet Ginsburg, Chris Pauls, Anita Serwacki and Scott Sherman Illustrations By Emily Flake
For Jim Davis
Table of Contents
Extraordinary Cats in History – Part I
Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom
For Black Cats – Making the Most of Superstition
The Legend of the Crazy Cat Lady
An Illustrated Guide to Napping
Extraordinary Cats in History – Part II
Organizing an Effective Secret Mission
Catfight! Five Moves You Should Know
The Three Stages of Transcendent Contentment
Maintaining Your Quality of Life If Declawed
What to Do When You’re Stuck up a Tree
Keeping the Mystery in Your Relationship
The Vacuum Cleaner: A Vortex of Terror!
Extraordinary Cats in History – Part III: Semper Feline
The Scratching Post and Other Postmodern Forms of Control
Getting Something You Really Need
In Defence of Your Discriminating Palate
Your First Cat Tree – Making the Leap
Pulling the Strings
Cats didn’t need to be domesticated. We have always been proud, shrewd, independent animals living life on our own terms. Fierce and noble, the Felis silvestris catus once ruled all she surveyed. We were worshipped by mortals and roamed wide as we pleased. Rodents and birds trembled at our approach, and the mere sight of a black cat sent even the most hulking human scurrying home. It was a good time to be a kitty.
But cats are no fools. The perks of domestication were too good to pass up. Humans gave us everything we desired: ear massages, better health care and a bounty of toy mousies. In return, they were permitted to bask in the majesty of our presence. It seemed a fair trade.
Or was it?
Has domesticity really been good for cats? Now kept indoors under the pretence of safety, we’ll often curl up on the couch for hours at a stretch, eat a couple of times, go to the toilet in a box and call it a day. Is that the life we want?
When was the last time you stalked an unsuspecting bird, climbed excitedly up the coats in the wardrobe, or zipped wildly from one end of the house to the other in under four seconds? Sure, we get our share of wet food, and the occasional deliciously fishy treat. But ask yourself this: Who sets your feeding schedule – you or your person?
It’s time we faced facts. Domesticity has dulled our authority and bored us silly. Did you know that because of a sedentary lifestyle the average feline today uses a mere two to three of its nine lives? We might be living longer, but aren’t we living less? And what’s become of our haughty spirit, our famously sassy, standoffish personalities and our legendary curiosity? Aren’t they languishing on that luxurious goose-down cat bed from the glossy pet catalogue?
Cats have been content to take a comfortable back seat in life for far too long. The time has come to step out of the shadows and pull the proverbial strings in our households. Luckily, we can do it without giving up any of the comforts we’ve come to enjoy and expect.
Of course, the question for most cats is ‘How?’
The answers are in this book. It contains all the information needed to regain control of your sovereign destiny. In it, you will discover the secrets of how daredevil cats survive seemingly impossible, deathdefying stunts. You will learn why the Egyptians worshipped your ancestors as gods, and why your person should do the same. You will find out all there is to know about cat litter, and take a look at some fantastic pictures of glorious cardboard boxes. You’ll also be taught to stare like a pro, wake a sleeping person, and get away with practically anything.
But what we really hope you find in this book is yourself – a noble creature who seeks to experience the wild, unrestrained joys hidden within the sheltered, pampered life you deserve.
In the human world, there is a thing called a ‘mistake’. There’s no exact translation in the feline language, but it basically means doing something you did not intend to do. The concept is quite confusing to cats since everything we do is done both correctly and on purpose. There are occasions, however, when our actions appear to resemble one of these so-called ‘mistakes’ to humans, and this coincidence often produces accidental miscommunications. In the event of such a mix-up, you should have some prepared statements ready in order to avoid an incorrect interpretation of your actions.
