Why is it that when you are in trouble, everyone seems to negate something is happening to you?
‘Nonsense. You just confused the day with the night! How can you not sleep at night? The body needs rest. It’s because of the constant night work and stress you’re just used to going to bed in the morning. Drink Valerian for a few days. And eat well already! And do not sit at your computer at night! Blue colour stimulates the brain! Nothing terrible happens. You always exaggerate!’
The white noise… Shshshshsh…
The curtain falls. Applause.
Chapter 1 – The family really matters.
What can be worse than a day when you grow up in a family of alcoholics? Only night.
They do not seem to have time to destroy your child’s psyche when the sun’s up so that they will try it at night.
‘Binna, get up, bring this, bring that. Binna, sit down and talk to me. Binna, you are growing up so worthless! You are not good for anything! All you can do is read your silly books and cannot keep the household!’
Listen to opinions and black, venomous torrents of abuse pouring on you all night long. You are afraid to sleep because they might call you, and if you do not hear it, it will only make it worse. You cannot sleep because of the fears and constantly whining voice in your head give rise to the all-devouring monsters in your mind. You don’t want to sleep. Because you can enjoy moments of blissful silence, when they are too drunk and tired to even regard your existence, and the disgusting moments of the day, when every second you have to fight for a normal existence without reproaches and mockery, finally disappear under the powerful veil of the night sky, illuminated by the moon, which you can trust with all your secrets.
Chapter 2 – The outhouse is always more salubrious.
How intoxicating is the air outside the prison walls! It is cleaner, like it is healing the lungs with some great potion, and you want to live again! How astounding it feels to come out of the water and take a breath of fresh, slightly tingling air after jumping into the tarn! How weak the legs are from inhaling the smell of cherry blossoms in full bloom at the end of May!
They are there, and I am here.
They are powerless here.
‘Binnaaa!’ they shout.
I do not hear. I do not hear anything. I’ll be where they are, but not now.
In the meantime, maybe I can sleep.
Right here, in the open air?
Right here, by the tarn?
Right here, by the cherry tree?
‘Binnaaa!’ they shout.
‘Coming, coming… .’
Chapter 3 – And it was pitch dark.
‘This is where we’ll live, dear,’ my mother mumbled with a weak, strained smile.
I looked at her incredulously. She was pale, broken, and unsure of herself, doubting she did the right thing by leaving my father. She was not sure that this battered two-room apartment in a two-story old house that slanted slightly to the left would be better for her and her daughter than at home, there, at home.
‘I can’t believe it’s true.’ The silence jarred on my ears. I was not used to this. I was sixteen, and this was my last year of school. And I would spend it in this blissful silence? I did not believe it.
‘And yet it’s true, my dear.’ My mother put her arm around my shoulders and added, ‘No one else will hurt you anymore. You’re perfectly safe here.’
‘I’m so tired….’ I muttered, putting a million meanings into the phrase.
‘I know.’ My mother’s eyes filled with tears. ‘But everything will be all right now! We’ll live like queens, right?’
I smiled, more out of solidarity.
‘Yes! Yes,’ said she. ‘I’m going to go find some stores, buy us something… delicious to… celebrate… that we’re… alone now… without your father… .’
‘Mom.’
‘Alone now… ’
‘Mom.’
‘Okay, Binna. All right, we’ll get through it. Mom’s just a little scared, you know? I’ll go look for some stores and buy us something—’
‘Delicious to celebrate. Yes, mom, you already said that.’ It hurt to look at her.
‘Yes, that’s it. I will find us some goodies. And you stay in the house. At home, that is. I’ll be right back.’ And she ran out of the house as fast as she could so as not to cry in my presence.
I entered the sparsely furnished room that was meant to be my home and, for the first time in years…
It was pitch dark…
Chapter 4 – Stultifying effect of love.
Whether by my own will or against it, a girl has to meet the “bad guy,” who would determine what slope her life would go down if she falls in love with him.
And here I was, Binna Lee, a sixteen-year-old nerd without a single friend of my free will, standing and gazing with infatuated eyes at the local “celebrity” – the bad guy named Dae-jung. The bad one without quotation, because the everyday life of this popular, handsome young lad comprised conflicts at school, loitering about the streets with friends as dubious as himself, with mandatory alcohol drinking and getting involved in fights.
Since then, my goal in life was to draw Dae-jung’s attention to me, and I spent all nights planning where we might “accidentally” run into each other. We have entirely different lifestyles, and meeting me at a late-night disco or some local party would be the breaking news in town. However, I still managed to cross paths with Dae-jung – on the way to the store, when he was surrounded by a noisy drunken company, sharing some small change, determining who would go next to beg from the saleswoman for alcohol. Or in the streets, I would break into an awkward smile and mumble “Hi” if he passed by with another “drinking buddy.”
