An Evening with a Conjuror
Scene —A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun. The Audience is limited and low-spirited, and may perhaps number – including the Attendants – eighteen. The only people in the front seats are a man in full evening dress, which he tries to conceal under a caped coat, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better – or worse – of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly
First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway). Reg'lar turnin' em away to-night, we are!
Second Sardonic Attendant. He come up to me afore he goes to the pay-box, and sez he – "Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to 'im, "Well, I think we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like that, I sez.
[The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls, with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a cracked piano. Herr Von Kamberwohl, the Conjuror, appears on platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates in a back row.
Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent). Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin' I 'ave most hemphadically to repoodiate hall assistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform by simple Sloight of 'and or Ledger-dee-Mang! (He invites any member of the Audience to step up and assist him, but the spectators remain coy.) I see zat I 'ave not to night so larsh an orjence to select from as usual, still I 'ope – (Here one of the obvious Confederates slouches up, and joins him on the platform.) Ah, zat is goot! I am vair much oblige to you, Sare. (The Confederate grins sheepishly.) Led me see – I seem to remember your face some'ow. (Broader grin from Confederate.) Hah you vos 'ere last night? – zat exblains it! But you 'ave nevaire assist me befoor, eh? (Reckless shake of the head from Confederate.) I thought nod. Vair vell. You 'ave nevaire done any dricks mit carts – no? Bot you will dry? You never dell vat you gan do till you dry, as ze ole sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (He pauses for a laugh – which doesn't come.) Now, Sare, you know a cart ven you see 'im? Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to choose any cart or carts out of zis back. (The Confederate fumbles.) I don't vish to 'urry you – but I vant you to mike 'aste – &c., &c.
The Man in Evening Dress. I remember giving Bimbo, the Wizard of the West, a guinea once to teach me that trick – there was nothing in it.
First Lady in Plush Cloak. And can you do it?
The M. in E. D. (guardedly). Well, I don't know that I could exactly do it now– but I know how it's done.
[He explains elaborately how it is done
Herr V. K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may leave off). Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze inexhaustible 'At, to gonclude viz the Invisible 'En. And I shall be moch oblige if any shentilmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at for ze purpose of my exberiment.
The M. in E. D. Here's mine – it's quite at your service. [To his companions.] This is a stale old trick, he merely – (explains as before). But you wait and see how I'll score off him over it!
Herr V. K. (to the M. in E. D.). You are gvide sure, Sare, you leaf nossing insoide of your 'at?
The M. in E. D. (with a wink to his neighbours). On the contrary, there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll thank you to give me back by-and-by.
Herr V. K. (diving into the hat). So? Vat 'ave we 'ere? A bonch of flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs? Anozzer —and anozzer! Ha, do you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare?
The M. in E. D. Invariably – to keep my head cool; so hand them over, please; I want them.
[His Companions titter, and declare "it really is too bad of him!"
Herr V. K. Bresently, Sare, – zere is somtings ailse, it feels loike – yes, it ees – a mahouse-drap. Your haid is drouble vid moice, Sare, yes? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at!
The M. in E. D. (with rather feeble indignation). I never said there were.
Herr V. K. No, zere is no mahouse – bot – [diving again] – ha! a leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad – and one, two, dree more vide rads! You vind zey keep your haid noice and cool, Sare? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay? I don't loike the vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [The Audience snigger.] Oh, bot vait – zis is a most gonvenient 'at – [extracting a large feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen] – ze shentelman is vairy domestic I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot business man, he knows ow von must hadvertise in zese' ere toimes. 'E 'as 'elp me, so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im.
[He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two dozen – chiefly in the eye – until the air is dark, and the floor thick with them
